Poison & Antidote
by ninawritesitout
Summary: They've been each other's poison, it's only right they be each other's antidote as well.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This is my very first fanfic, and to be honest I don't think I have written any fiction since the last time I took a standardized test. I hope you like it enough so that I may flesh out these characters and take you on the story with me. Let me know what you think, tell me what you liked, what you didn't like. Please keep it constructive. Thanks for reading!

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Never one to be late, Olivia was putting the finishing touches on her makeup as she got ready to dash out the door to have dinner with her favorite couple, Harrison and Mike. She gave herself a onceover in her floor-length swivel mirror, slipped on her heels and out the door she went. It was a heady summer night and she was grateful she chose to wear such a breezy, backless dress to dinner, inviting the intoxicating heat to envelop her. Olivia wasn't sure what type of dinner her friends had planned but she'd agreed to meet them at their place so they'd all ride together; their dining choices never ceased to surprise her and she expected nothing less of them tonight. She called Harrison to let him know she was pulling up to their driveway only to find them already waiting outside for her to join them.

Mike enthusiastically waved hello as she put the car in park and got out to greet them.

"Eager much you guys? Sheesh, I just told you I was pulling up! " she said as she greeted them.

"Uh, yeah, eager to get the hell out this house. Tired of being cooped up and let's not forget all the details from your vacation that you owe us missy, we've got a long night ahead of us," replied Mike as he squeezed her tight.

Liv hugged Harrison and greeted him hello, both so used to one another that they'd never make fanfare out of a greeting. They had an unspoken gentle bond that people often failed to comprehend. Olivia and Harrison had known each other since childhood, their fathers having been great friends, was until their fathers lost touch with one another. At one point, it felt like Olivia and her family had dropped off the face of the earth. It wasn't until years later that Harrison found Olivia; out of curiosity he searched for her on Facebook one day and found she had been studying abroad in Spain. Once he reached out to her he found out both of her parents had passed away by the time she was 17, and she'd been pretty much handling herself on her own since.

Olivia, of a precocious nature, had graduated high school with college credits and was already venturing out on her own college experience abroad by the time Harrison located her. Eventually she returned stateside to complete her education at Brown, and managed to carry herself with the resiliency and silent dignity. Reuniting with Olivia had brought Harrison a much-needed lifestyle education, having been a spoiled silver spoon darling all his life he forged a friendship that rivaled thick and thin and came to find solace and inspiration in Olivia that he'd been missing once he witnessed how she took on life despite having suffered such hardship.

He'd been a mess since his rebellious teenage years, oft misunderstood by his parents whose indulgent laissez-faire parenting only helped to encourage his bad behavior. By the age of 24 when he had reunited with Olivia he was teetering on the brink of alcoholism, and it was her way of taking on life that inspired him to change his ways. He sought help for his issues, came out to his family, and chose to live a more authentic life. As Olivia graduated she'd made plans with Harrison to start a creative consulting business with the money her father had left her. And thus began the greatness that is now Pope & Associates. Olivia's natural talent, Harrison's outgoing nature, and Steve, Olivia's old mentor and friend whom she'd met while on her travels in Spain functioning as their first successful client there was nothing that could stop their business from being a success.

As they made their way through the dimly lit jazz restaurant with Mike and Harrison following the waitress closely to their seats Olivia saw him through a window pane before he saw her. There he was, Fitz, in all his glory after all these years, sitting at a restaurant forcibly smiling over drinks with his brother and friends. Of course, he'd look as good as ever. As fate would have it, gloriously lounging there. His slim toned physique, his undying penchant for choosing a navy-blue suit to drape his 6'2" frame, bringing out his eyes and contrasting with his tawny skin. Not one to let her emotions show Olivia quickly put on her poker face and mentally gave herself a silent pep talk to happily get through her dinner with her friends. Her dinner dates were after all eager to listen to the stories of her latest adventure, and her secret past was no one to deprive her of a night of storytelling over a glass of bourbon on the rocks.

She sat as far as possible with her back towards Fitz as she silently hoped and prayed he hadn't noticed her. She wondered if he'd have the gall to approach her? How would she explain his existence to her friends? Would she casually drop the bomb that she'd been his mistress and that their dalliance had ended in agony? Would they see her in a different light if she revealed it all? Not one to dwell on hypotheticals, or let the mood get melancholy, Olivia ordered her drink and vowed to make it a good night. If Fitz noticed her she figured she knew him well enough to guess he wouldn't dare approach her in public lest he face his own inquisition, and if he did—then she'd cross the bridge when she got there. The illusion of having her back to him served as a shield and she brought herself back to the present with her tablemates.

Fitz on the other hand felt like he'd been struck by thunder the same way as the day he met her. It was as if she'd walked across the restaurant, no, not walked, it was more as if she'd flown across the restaurant in slow motion. He felt as if time had frozen; he couldn't believe that after two years they'd somehow end up in the same restaurant. He'd given up searching for her, he'd clearly understood her silent wishes that she did not want to be bothered nor found. Not long after their breakup, once he was of sound mind again he'd come to find she'd closed her physical place of business, so he couldn't resort to seeking her out there, his calls went straight to voicemail—a clear indication she'd blocked him, her apartment seemed vacant those few times he passed by hoping to catch her.

After a few attempts he gave up looking for her, keeping his latent apology within him, hoping for a day in which he could tell her how sorry he was. From that point forward Fitz decided he needed to realign his priorities if he hoped to emotionally heal and eventually survive. As time passed he learned to cope with his grief, and adapted to the new normal in his life. These memories came rushing back to him as he sat at the restaurant, a witness to her glacial entrance. Get it together! he thought to himself, trying not to give himself away at his jovial table. He decided this was neither the time and the place to approach Olivia, but he felt it in the depth of his soul that the universe was signaling to him it was time to finally apologize to her; time to get that closure. So that he could feel at peace with his apology, whether she accepted it or not. It was time.

The rest of his dinner went by in a blur, try as he might he couldn't recover from the effect of seeing Olivia in the flesh, but he hoped no one took notice. He'd been reticent since his life had gone to shit, the perk of it being that no one questioned his moodiness too often. He'd vacillate from being engaged in conversation to being distraught all the time, certainly they couldn't have figured it out that this time was any different. Or so he thought.

The minute he got into the passenger seat of his brother's car the inquisition began.

"Are you alright Fitz?" asked his brother John.

"I'm fine, just really tired," replied Fitz.

They rode the rest of the way to Fitz's apartment in utter silence. John wasn't convinced with Fitz's answer but he wasn't going to nag, he'd learned long ago to respect Fitz's reserved nature. Just the way Fitz looked in his passenger seat told him he wasn't ok—eyes closed with his head tilted back and his tie in a loose knot with a dark shadow on his face, if he'd had his eyes open he would've been able to gauge what was going through his mind as he sighed deeply here and there.

"There was a woman at the restaurant…" Fitz announced out loud without thinking as he kept his eyes closed.

"OK…." John tentatively said with much caution. "And who was she that she's got you so frustrated?" asked John.

"Someone I have history with—it's just I hadn't seen her in a long time and it threw me for a loop. I've been looking for her for some time, and of all places I find her there—in the midst of our dinner," Fitz replied.

"So you're love struck? That's what's got you so disoriented tonight? What's her name? What was she wearing, maybe I saw her?! Where'd you two meet?!," questioned John impatiently. He was clearly excited that there was some life left within Fitz after all.

"Her name's Olivia. We met years ago actually—we had what you could call… a very passionate affair." Fitz let his words linger in the air and basked in the silence. John's lack of reaction encouraged him to go on.

"She was wearing a black dress, it was strappy, her whole back was exposed. In fact she had her back to us—her gorgeous, chocolate complexion, toned back that I want to devour with kisses is what Fitz wanted to say—Anyway, I doubt you saw her but it doesn't matter because it's all so fucked up now. I fucked it up—made sure of it actually." Fitz finished with a deep sigh.

More deadly silence shrouded the car and Fitz found himself wishing he hadn't said anything at all. Seeing Olivia had suddenly opened the dam and he didn't know how to control it; his revelation coming up like word vomit. He figured he'd already said too much so he went on: "We got involved four years ago, Mellie and I were at our most apathetic and I just… I felt I couldn't control it. I lost control—my senses. She was like a breath of fresh air and despite all my better judgment I dove right in. Long story short when Jerry died we'd been at it for a while and I felt like it was some sort of karmic retribution for me stepping out on Mellie. And in a fit of rage during an argument, I revealed that to Olivia—that she was somehow guilty of the death of my son by association for being with me. My brain lagged and it just came out of my mouth, I didn't mean to blame her. I know that now. Anyway, I fucked it up and haven't seen her since. She made sure of that," Fitz ended his exposé.

"Wow, my perfect older brother…" was all John could think of saying.

Fitz gave a dry chuckle, unbuckled his seatbelt and headed up to his apartment after wishing John a good night. He'd revealed to John something that had been haunting him for years which he hadn't even shared with his therapist. He poured himself a scotch, downed it and went to bed feeling exposed—thinking of how Olivia had managed to open him up with just her impromptu appearance once again.


	2. Chapter 2

I'm overwhelmed by the reaction to the first chapter! You all really know how to make a girl feel welcome. I'm aiming to weave back and forth between the past and the present until we can get their important past milestones out of the way so please bear with me. Anyway, here's chapter 2 :)

To say Fitz had a restless night would be an understatement. Throughout the night he'd doze off, defeated by the day's exhaustion weighing him down, only to be awakened by thoughts of her. His Livvie as he'd fondly remember her from time to time. The moment he spotted her at the restaurant playing on a constant loop in his head, forcing him to give into missing her. His bitingly chilly sheets certainly didn't help—he wanted to bitterly laugh out loud at how timing truly was everything.

If he'd met her sooner, if he'd met her later, if he'd stayed away, if he'd had found the courage to leave his wife at the time, if he'd been equipped to deal with the harrowing loss of his son. He'd conjured up about a thousand scenarios by now, especially throughout these past two years when they'd been apart, but seeing her in the flesh tonight stirred in him an unmatched turbidity. Fitz's game of what if was starting to take its toll on him after a few hours; he tossed around his rumpled sheets one last time before turning off his alarm. He decided he would be sleeping in since he had no expectations for his brain to be functional, and he wasn't going to bother to make it to the office until a little past mid-morning. His name was on the door after all, and nothing pertinent was waiting for him.

At thirty-eight Fitz was an accomplished lawyer, he'd been a star prosecutor who had blossomed thanks to his overachieving nature, consistently locking up the city's worst criminals. He walked away from it at the age of thirty to focus solely on drafting and reviewing contracts for mergers and acquisitions. To some it would appear as a dull choice given his nature, but what they didn't know was that his life was changing, and the impending birth of his son at the time shifted his priorities. Fitz no longer had any interest in indulging his thrill-seeking nature the minute his now ex-wife Mellie told him she was pregnant.

Their relationship had been in limbo for a while by the time Mellie found herself pregnant, a result of some off-chance sex they'd engaged in, but for Fitz the arrival of a baby felt like a blessing, cliché as it may sound. He'd grown bored of his professional and personal life, he had this restlessness about him that risked converting itself into recklessness. The arrival of a baby had been the soothing balm he didn't know he needed.

Fitz woke up hours later, ready to take on the day as best he could— _ready as can be he thought._ Since he arrived later than planned he decided to throw himself into his work to be as productive as possible. Of course, aiming to be productive was proving an exercise in futility, one glance at his business cards and he was derailed. Fitz quickly got lost in his own thoughts, reminiscing of how he and Olivia met.

 _It'd been a casual day four years ago, nothing out of the ordinary was to be expected, or so he thought. Fitz had agreed to pass by his friend Andrew's happy hour to celebrate the opening of his new office. As soon as he arrived Andrew thanked him profusely for making time to attend, and proceeded to make the rounds introducing Fitz. It was just happenstance that Fitz saw Olivia before Andrew had a chance to introduce them to one another as he'd wandered off on his own._

 _"Fitzgerald Grant," he said as he amiably extended his hand._

 _"Olivia Pope. You're a friend of Andrew's? I don't think we've met" she stated._

 _"Yeah, old law school buddies. How'd you end up working for a guy like him?" Fitz asked with a tinge of a chuckle in his voice faster than his brain could catch up with his mouth._

 _He wasn't sure what had just come over him, but he was certain he'd felt a jolt of electricity when they'd touched hands. He attributed it to the fact that she was pretty, and that she'd caught him off guard as he quickly introduced himself without a second thought. It's not like he was blind, after all. Fitz could clearly see the brown doe eyes staring back at him between those dark lashes, suddenly distracting him, making him wonder what a butterfly kiss would feel like if their faces were to be in close proximity. Her pouty mouth slightly agape, her two front teeth barely peeking through, and her smooth chocolate complexion contrasting against the pastel pink of her high-neck silk blouse._

 _Andrew, having overheard the last bit of Fitz's question, made his way over._

 _"I see you two have met! Olivia doesn't work for me Fitz, she's a client of the firm. We review all her agency's contracts. She's in the creative consulting business. She's singlehandedly keeping us afloat and overworked. We can't keep up with her success sometimes!" joked Andrew._

 _Not able to suppress this competitive edge that suddenly overwhelmed him, Fitz reached into his suit pocket and pulled out a business card, quickly handing it to Olivia and telling her: "Andrew here may not be able to keep up with the workload you're bringing, but I assure you that you won't have that problem over at my firm. I'll gladly take over."_

 _"Fitz hasn't been doing this for a long time. We provide the better service, our experience trumps his glitzy business card," Andrew interjected teasingly._

 _Olivia on the other hand wasn't sure what to make of the accidental pissing contest that was taking place before her very eyes, or the fact that some strange tension had suddenly appeared the minute she'd made Fitz's acquaintance. Wanting to swiftly diffuse the situation, find Harrison and head home she pulled her business card out of her purse. She told herself she was handing it over to Fitz as a courtesy, merely returning the favor since he'd been so eager to offer his services, not because she found him wildly attractive or the fact that he sent her mind reeling with his accidentally sexy workload implications. The minute he stretched his arm and opened his palm to receive her card was the moment Olivia felt like she was a balloon deflating around the room—there it was glistening, his wedding ring. Just my luck she thought, as she said her goodbyes and wondered if it was just her that could've misinterpreted the energy between them._

A few hours of his workday had passed when John decided to make an appearance, thwarting all of Fitz's wishes that he forget about his passionate confession from the prior night. Not bothering to ask for permission John waltzed right in and plopped his butt in the chair in front of Fitz.

"You look like shit. Rough night?" John quipped.

"Well hello to you too John. How are you? What brings you by?" Fitz answered in an annoyed tone. It was one thing for him to confess what had been plaguing him, it was a whole other ballgame having to sit there and have John make him relive the experience, something Fitz was sure was to come judging by his impulsive visit.

"You can't expect to let me into your silence after all these years and want me to not have any questions. I'm taking you to lunch. Let's go, grab your things," said John.

Olivia survived dinner last night, but she didn't want to give her brain time to dwell on the shock of seeing Fitz. She'd had gotten lucky; before forcing herself to concoct some elaborate plan to avoid her own thoughts the guys asked her to stay over, claiming she'd had too much to drink and noting the hour—her jetlag coupled with a few drinks were a recipe for disaster they both said. She gladly accepted their offer and promised to make breakfast for them in the morning in exchange. She decided she would take advantage of being in their home, forcing herself to put up a façade to forget the way she felt the same magnetism when seeing Fitz after two years. She'd resort to one of her coping mechanisms if she had to, but she wasn't going to go down the rabbit hole that was Fitz.

As promised Olivia made breakfast in the morning, rousing Harrison and Mike from their bed with the scent of bacon that wafted through the house. She was satisfied with her ability to compartmentalize; the last thing she needed was this surprise encounter to give her away after all these years. She'd always been private, reserved; an involuntary symptom of her solitary life-reserved even with her best friends and business partners. Not because she feared that they'd judge her for getting involved with Fitz knowing he was married at the time. They wouldn't question her morality. It wasn't that. Olivia's fear was rooted in the fact that she'd been performing this lie of omission for so long that it felt useless to tell them now—what good would it do exactly? If she knew them well, and she did, she knew they'd be upset about the fact that she'd kept it to herself, that she'd accepted Fitz's words and suffered the aftermath in silence. Fitz had been her little secret, loving him and keeping him to herself is how she had wanted it to be. It was no use to change that now.

"Liv we've been sitting on our asses for over two months now. This nomadic life you're trying out might be entertaining for you, but it's boring as hell for me. If you're not here, we're not working! You're the brains of this operation, remember?" Harrison whined.

The nomadic life he was referring to was a result of Olivia's utter exhaustion at going full-throttle at work for the past few years. She was jaded and she had chosen to travel on her own; an attempt at disconnecting. Her eyes needed some sort of new visual inspiration as she feared that her creative well had run dry. They'd won every Clio imaginable for their work on numerous non-profit campaigns over the years, they were on staff at various museums consulting on exhibits that focused on the human condition, on the disenfranchised. It was grueling work for a business with just three people, and one of those three living abroad, but it was the way they'd agreed they'd run their business. No one would execute their creative visions the way they could, and having a small, possibly tiny staff, allowed for them to work on projects that spoke to them on emotional levels. Their campaigns were effecting change and that's the way they liked it.

"Harrison, you are supposed to be using this time to nest while you guys await your adoption. You're being ridiculous. For the life of me I cant understand your desperation to work after all we've accomplished these past 7 years. I can't be the only one that's tired. Just simmer down, we have a pile of proposals to sift through. When we're back at work and there's a delicious baby waiting for you at home you'll be begging for us to be on a self-imposed hiatus," Olivia deadpanned.

Once Liv went home she had no choice but to be alone with her thoughts. She wiped a rogue tear and decided there was no time like the present to figure out whatever direction they wanted to head in next. Harrison obviously didn't know why they'd been so swamped in the past few years, but work had been Liv's coping mechanism. She took on as much as possible so she couldn't have a moment to herself, and when she did she'd always be borderline collapse from exhaustion. She didn't want to deal with the breakup. Didn't want to have a single second to replay his words on a loop— _"Don't you see what this is? This is karma. Divine retribution. My son's dead because I made a bad choice, because I couldn't keep it in my pants. All we had to do was stay away from one another."_

Of course, that accusation had been absurd. Jerry had died suddenly of meningitis he contracted while at summer camp. They'd confused his symptoms for the flu and by the time they got him to a hospital it was too late. Olivia knew it was the grief talking, the incomprehensible abrupt death of his only child, but all she'd done was call to offer her condolences. She didn't expect their last phone call to end in some form of blame game. She decided to take it as a sign from the universe and end the affair for good. She switched office space, and blocked his phone number from both the office and her cellphone in case he ever called again. She even decided to take the leap and accept a consulting job that would continuously have her between the east and west coast. Being overworked sounded better than being heartbroken to her.

Sure, she never harbored any crazy illusory ideas about him leaving his wife. She didn't even want that; their perfect little arrangement working in her favor was keeping her from making a real commitment. Their love and affection existed in their little bubble, limited in time and space, while she worked her fingers to the bone trying to run a successful business, busily living her twenties, doing things she never thought she'd do. An affair with a married man included. He'd been her professor, teaching her a course for lovers only, and she'd been his breath of fresh air making him feel more than he thought was possible.

Figuring she'd had enough of memory lane for one day, Liv decided to put this almost serendipitous encounter behind her. She grabbed the pile of proposals and vowed to find at least five different projects which she could direct her immediate attention to. If Harrison didn't want to nest with Mike while they waited on their baby, then she wasn't going to force him. She'd gone on her extended vacation to renew herself after the tumultuous past few years, she needed to be recharged. If she wasn't then she needed to start acting like it. Fake it til you make it is how the saying goes she thought to herself. Frustrated she sat on her rug cross-legged and let out a deep sigh as she rubbed her temples; this was the next best thing to channel her energy into. She wasn't going to stop now.

Across town Fitz and John were having an awkward lunch. Fitz was sitting there wishing he could take back all of last night's word vomit, and John trying to fish out details that Fitz was reluctant to give. After witnessing how distraught Fitz looked John decided he had to help him find a way to contact "his Livvie" as he'd called her. His older brother had had a rough go of it the last few years, he didn't want to think of him having yet another reason to be melancholy.

Without the ability to reach Olivia via telephone and no knowledge of either the address of her home or place of business it felt like an insurmountable challenge; finding a needle in a haystack. They'd been secretive, he couldn't ask Andrew if she was still his client. He had no way of explaining why he was asking questions about a woman he met once as far as Andrew was concerned.

John's phone chimed startling them out of their deep conversation, an Instagram notification from his wife who had sent him something. Probably something humorous he thought as he picked up his phone, and then the idea came to him.

"Fitz! I think I got it! I think I know how you can reach Olivia! Do you have an Instagram?" John asked.

"What the hell are you talking about? Do I have a what? You know I have no social media, I don't care for it," Fitz answered.

"But that's the thing! She's probably on there and this thing has an internal messaging system. Jenna just sent me something, it looks like this! Write her your apology there! I mean she can technically block you but she will receive your initial message at the very least. Let me search for her," John enthusiastically told him.

Of course Liv had an Instagram account, granted it was private, but it existed and that was enough to restore some hope to Fitz's spirit. All he wanted was to apologize. He wanted to let go of the guilt, and get closure on their time together. His therapist had helped him through his grief, the ongoing new normal in his life. He'd been instructed that he had to live through the uncomfortable and deeply emotional parts of life, to feel them, if he wanted to be successful at coping with his grief- and this is exactly what he was aiming for.

"Well how do I sign up for one of these Insta-things?" Fitz said with a lighter tone in his voice that hadn't been heard in years.


	3. Chapter 3

True to her word, Liv found about five business proposals that piqued her interest. After having made a name for themselves in the creative consulting world, it was their privilege to be choosy when taking on new projects. She was breaking one of their primordial rules—aiming to choose a project that felt personal to them at this point in time. They'd been awaiting the arrival of Harrison and Mike's baby girl, and they'd chosen to work on a rather large campaign for Girls International, an organization focusing on empowering girls and women around the world. It was a rather challenging task abiding by many international rules to market the Non-Profit Organization, but the reward in doing good was worth the challenge ahead.

On the other side of town Fitz had opted to stay in, something rather odd for a Friday night in Boston when the Sox were playing. He hadn't worked up the courage to write to Olivia yet. In his mind, he had thought of this apology a thousand times. He chose to uncork a bottle of wine, hoping to find the inspiration and courage he suddenly found himself devoid of. As he downed his bottle of Syrah; her favorite wine, he yearned to taste it off her lips again. Before going down memory lane he decided that the best way to craft his apology was just to start—he could then revise it another thousand times before sending it.

He knew he needed to accept responsibility. He had accepted responsibility. What he truly needed was to come to terms that she either may never read nor accept his apology. Once all was said and done his load of guilt would be lightened; the apologetic kindness he was extending to Olivia would hopefully bring him some relief that therapy had failed to bring him. Deciding there was no time like the present Fitz poured the rest of the wine and opened Instagram on his phone, slowly and dreadfully typing out Olivia's username.

 _"I've dreamt… I've daydreamed of writing this letter a thousand times. And then rewriting it. I don't truthfully know where to start, but I guess the simplest thing I can say to you is this: I am deeply sorry. Every single emotion I've tried to suppress these past few years came bubbling to the surface and I desperately sought this way to reach out to you. By some gracious act of the universe—kismet, really—we were at the same restaurant the other night. I know you didn't notice me or else I'm sure you would've left. I feel foolish reaching out to you in this manner, but it seems to be the only avenue that will bring me any solace. I've looked for you in every face that's crossed my path these past two years. I've channeled you in every apology I've conceived since you've been gone. Now that I've found a way to reach out to you, in the most unorthodox manner, I find myself at a loss for words. Funny how that works. I go to therapy now, have been for a while, but I've mostly kept you to myself. After the loss I've endured, after both Jerry and the loss of you, well I try to keep the happy tidbits of my life to myself. This protects me from letting others project onto my life and steal the very few tidbits left of happiness in my memory. I know this will probably come as a surprise to you, but I don't mean to assault your emotions. I hope that wherever you are at this point in your life that you are happy and that you find it in your kind heart, the one you shared with me so long ago, to forgive me. I hope to hear from you. Even if you are still angry I know that your anger would feel more soothing to me than your silence these past few years. Love Always, Fitz."_

Fitz couldn't bring himself to send the apology just yet. He decided he would at the very least sleep on it and read it in the morning. He felt so much pressure to get her to understand how truly sorry he was for the whole thing. More than her forgiveness he wanted her compassion. He had botched the opportunity to have a support system with her in his life, and now that he'd seen her again it was as if no one else would do. Cyrus, his therapist, had been of great help to him, but he couldn't compete with the woman who'd stolen his heart. He was free now, Mellie having gone her own way after the death of their son. He'd already lost so much, and each passing day made him feel more and more that it was all for naught.

Quickly rinsing his wine glass and putting it away, Fitz decided to call it a night. He set his alarm, put his phone to charge and drifted off to sleep.

Olivia and Harrison were busy in their makeshift office—the spare room in Olivia's two-floor apartment. Olivia volunteered this room in her apartment under the pretense of "efficiency." She told Harrison that keeping their previous large office was a waste of money considering how often they would not be there with all their cross-country travel. The reality was that Olivia decided right then and there that she needed to make sure she could avoid Fitz at all costs. She knew he would look for her once he got his bearings, and it was something she wanted to avoid in front of Harrison. The thought of Fitz showing up to their workspace back in the day used to make her hyperventilate.

They were in the middle of dissecting the budgeting for their new campaign when Olivia's phone buzzed. She had been consciously trying to use her phone less and less; Harrison claimed she was addicted to information and couldn't ignore when her phone buzzed for whatever reason. He often joked that she was addicted to breaking news.

As Harrison got up to use the restroom, Liv picked up her phone to check her messages. On the other side of town Fitz was in his office, having just sent Olivia the apology. He spoke his good intentions out loud as he pressed send and hoped for the best. He took a deep breath and tried to push what he had just done to the back of his head, he had a busy day ahead and for that he was grateful.

Olivia on the other hand was about to receive the shock of a lifetime. Ever since she had seen Fitz at the restaurant she had resorted to her favorite and most trusted coping mechanism—she wore herself down past exhaustion every single day. There would be no time to daydream about Fitz if she was occupied, and when she wasn't occupied at the end of the day she was too tired to think about anything anymore. Until now…

There it was, on her home screen, everything that she had tried to avoid for the past two years, staring right back at her. " sent you a message"

She unlocked her phone and headed straight to Instagram to make sure she wasn't hallucinating. Once she opened the app she knew for sure she wasn't hallucinating.

"Do you want to let send you messages from now on? They'll only know you've seen their request if you choose Allow."

What the hell was she supposed to do now? How could she even focus the rest of the day with this bomb that had just landed on her lap? She took a deep breath and couldn't resist the masochistic urge to read his message. She read it, and then re-read it, and couldn't help the tears that streamed down her face. She was so lost in the emotion of what he had written that she had completely forgotten about Harrison, but as luck would have it he was just rounding the corner.

"Liv? What's going on? What happened?" Harrison asked her.

The dam broke; Olivia couldn't keep running away from it anymore. She had been caught red-handed and found no time better than the present to come clean to Harrison. She handed him her phone so he could read the message even though it would likely confuse him more than before, but it would give her some time to formulate some thoughts on what the hell she was going to tell him.

"What is this about?" Harrison asked again with more urgency in his voice.

"The other night, when we had dinner, there was a man that I dated a few years ago. Not dated—is it still considered dating if he was married?" she rambled.

"Speak faster, Olivia," he demanded.

"We had an affair and it ended horribly, and then I saw him the other night, and now he's here telling me he's sorry. I have been actively and successfully ignoring him for the last two years—it's why we moved our office here. I just can't believe this… I have tried so hard to get over this and it just blow up in my face like this," Liv said tearfully with a tremor in her voice.

"So what you mean to tell me is that for the past two years you have been dealing with this but actively chose not to tell me anything?" he said as calmly as he could muster.

"It's not about that Harry… has nothing to do with you. It's not about choosing. I deal with it, I've been dealing with it," Liv replied.

"On your own, just like you do everything. You never let anyone in on anything. I'm your friend. I know that alone is what feels normal, what feels natural to you in life but you know that you have me. The fact that you don't trust me for something that deeply pains you but you trust me for business is just…"

Harrison couldn't even finish his sentence; he was appalled but didn't know how to handle his emotions. He was torn between being selfishly upset and simultaneously concerned for her well-being which had obviously been through the wringer. Suddenly he understood why she had been going non-stop for the last two years. Liv was quietly trying to regain her composure, occasionally wiping away at her tears. She'd long closed her phone, but she had no idea what to make of the apology.

"You said it ended horribly? And that's obviously a detailed and emotional apology—what happened? How long did it even go on?" Harrison asked snapping her from her thoughts.

"Two years. He's Andrew's friend. He was miserable in his marriage when we met—I tried to fight our attraction but obviously, I failed miserably. Anyway, he had a son, he died at summer camp. A sort of freak accident, he contracted meningitis of all things—and Fitz, that's his name, well he took it as some sort of karmic event because he had stepped out on his wife. A wife that was emotionally abusive, mind you… but he spoke to me like somehow getting involved with me was the cause of his child dying. That was our last conversation, and I hadn't seen him since. I was hoping he hadn't noticed me at the restaurant but that's obviously not the case," Liv said.

A moment passed as they basked in the quietness of her admission. Olivia felt like her world was crashing down, she was sorry she hadn't told Harrison anything, and upset that he had to find out like this. She was also mad that Fitz couldn't resist the urge to contact her; if he didn't do it in person the other night then why now, she thought.

She broke the silence when she said "I'm sorry Harry. It wasn't personal. I'd just kept him to myself for so long that I didn't even see the point of telling you. I trust you, you know that. I trust you with my life. I love you."

"Love you more," he said without hesitation.

So, what are you going to do?" he asked.

"I don't know. I don't know what to answer him. I don't have an answer for him. I don't want to be kind and I don't want to be cruel; I just don't know how to straddle the line. What am I supposed to say? "Oh Fitz, I'm so glad you noticed it wasn't my fault? I'm happy you got a divorce too!" I just don't know," Liv answered.

Sitting there with her head in her hands, Liv just groaned and directed her attention back to her pile of paperwork. Harrison took the hint and continued to work alongside her. Their conversation was over just as fast as it'd begun.

Once Harrison went home Olivia decided to press allow—she kept telling herself she pressed 'allow' so she could read over the apology whenever she felt like she needed it. She didn't give it much thought that it would open the door for Fitz to keep messaging her. For the time being she had chosen to let the message linger, leaving Fitz on read.

Fitz had been as swamped as he expected throughout the day at work, which had been a blessing. Once he was on his way home he checked his phone but didn't see any reply from her. Choosing not to let anxiety get the best of him he decided to give John a call to let him know he had done it. He had gone out on a limb and done what he had been desperate to do, and to let him know that going through with it was enough for him, whether she answered or not. He wasn't sure if he believed that or if he was actively trying to convince himself.

A few days passed and he had begun to feel sadness taking over. He couldn't help but ultimately be disappointed that she hadn't responded. She was the kindest person he had ever known, and it felt unlike her to ignore him, but maybe in their time away from one another she had changed. He wondered if he had been at all responsible for that? Had he accidentally jaded her? He opened his Instagram app only to realize that below his message it said "Seen." Suddenly he didn't have to wonder anymore, the proof that she had at the very least seen his message was staring right back at him.

Deciding it couldn't hurt he typed out _"Livvie?"_ and pressed send. Maybe a second message would do the trick, in the meantime he felt comfort in the fact that she had seen it.

Never in a million years did Fitz think that he would become addicted to a form of social media, but that's what it was starting to feel like as he would compulsively check time and time again.

Seeing that she was reading his messages he decided to write to her whenever he felt like it, even if it was the equivalent of talking to a wall.

 _"I'm was sitting at my desk, saw my business cards and thought of you."_

 _"Ordered a glass of Syrah with dinner."_

 _"I wish I'd been a better man for you."_

 _"Had a therapy session today. For the first time, I was truthful about what happened between us, without omitting any details."_

As the days passed all the messages were marked as 'Seen', yet they had all gone unanswered. Fitz was growing frustrated, and yearned for the days when she had blocked him. At least back then he had no means of reaching her, now it was like a cruel joke was being played on him. Why did she bother opening his messages if she had no intentions of replying?

 _"Are you ever going to say anything?"_

Day 8. Nothing.

Fitz had had enough. He had opened himself up and this was the result—more ignoring him on her part, except this time it was intentional and it was staring him in the face. Deciding that for the sake of his mental health he needed to settle this once and for all he opted for one final message, and after sending it he vowed he would delete the app and make a true effort to move on. His initial goal had been to apologize, and he had accomplished it. The hard part had come and he had to come to terms with it going unacknowledged. This was the vulnerability in an apology; tougher that the taking ownership of your mistakes part.

 _"Livvie,_

 _I keep expending this energy towards trying to reach you, and I was aware that when I first made any attempt it may have become an exercise in futility. I can't deny that it pains me to see that my words have gone unanswered, but I don't blame you. I hope that someday you may find it in your heart to forgive me. I'm choosing to let the shame and guilt go, or else I'm going to go insane. I find comfort in the fact that my words may have reached you somehow, and that the last words I spoke to you in person are not the last words you'll have from me. I wish you the best."_

It'd been over a week and the messages kept coming. Olivia couldn't help but feel sadness when reading them. She'd forgiven him long ago so why couldn't she just reply with that and be done with it? The reality was that she felt for him; it was obvious in his messages that he too had been through the wringer. Not only the loss of his son taking its toll on him, but the complete decimation of his life as he knew it as well. She kept reading his messages over and over until one night she just gave in.

"I need to see you. Can you meet me?" she typed and quickly pressed send before she could give it another thought.


	4. Chapter 4

Olivia wasn't sure if she'd done the right thing; pressing send, but it was useless to dwell on that now. There was only one way to get over the ghost of Fitz that had been plaguing her life—seeing him in person once and for all. Running away from him only helped to suppress her emotions, but never let her get a grip on them, not in a real way anyway.

She wondered how he would react, after all he hadn't asked to meet her, he just wanted her to understand that he was deeply remorseful—and she did. Liv couldn't deny the little seed of curiosity that had blossomed inside her head, he sounded miserable in all his messages, and that made her sad. Her sadness for him didn't emanate from a place of pity, it was just as genuine as her love for him had been, and deep down she couldn't deny her nurturing disposition. Truth be told she was a bit worried and not only about Fitz.

The way her workday had finished with Harrison left her feeling awkward as well. He'd been more hurt than upset with her, and his disappointment cut her deeply. She didn't want to keep anymore secrets from him so she figured that she'd ask to meet him and Mike for breakfast, and for the sake of honesty she was going to come clean that she had asked Fitz to meet up with her. Hoping to calm her mind Liv padded down the stairs to her kitchen to brew herself a cup of chamomile. As her tea steeped she calmly typed out a text intended for Harrison; random hour of the night be damned.

"I'm bringing bagels tomorrow morning. Today morning? This morning. In a few hours. Your job is to ready the French press."

The comfort and devotion of their lifelong friendship allowed her to be this presumptuous about their morning plans, and besides if they couldn't have her over for breakfast she figured they'd let her know. Rinsing her cup of tea in the sink she decided she'd had enough for one day, and that it'd be wise to catch a few hours of sleep at the very least. She plopped down on her fluffy white comforter with a deep sigh, turned off the lamp on her nightstand and decided she would meditate herself to sleep. She couldn't afford another thought about how Fitz would react.

Fitz woke up feeling groggy, a result of the sleeping pill he had decided to take last night because he'd had enough of his anxiety. Physically and mentally exhausted by the emotions seeing Olivia had stirred within him these past few weeks, he truly had decided that enough was enough. He had done his part and if he hoped to move on with his life then he also needed to overcome this part, what he knew would be the hardest part. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes he got up to face another day; the perks of sleeping naked allowing him to step right into his shower.

Feeling awake post-shower Fitz slipped on his black boxer briefs, navy pants, and white button down shirt before heading to his kitchen for his morning coffee. Once he rounded the corner of the kitchen he pressed the button on the coffeemaker to brew his coffee and turned on the morning news; keeping with tradition of his morning ritual. He needed time to acclimate to being awake before being fully functional in the mornings. As he was finishing his cup of coffee he decided he was going to stop by John's office to check on him. He'd been so gracious about the whole Olivia situation and he wanted him to know it, even if Fitz was never that expressive with him. He sensed it would be a nice change.

Fitz put on his shoes, grabbed his jacket and phone and headed out the door. He'd used the Bluetooth voice command in his Porsche to call John and let him know he was headed over there. Only once he had parked his car and was making his way up on the elevator did he notice that he had an alert on his lock screen, and that it was none other than an alert from Liv. He froze in place, his thoughts racing a mile a minute, time passing as tiny grains of sand in an hourglass.

Suddenly too nervous to open the message, Fitz decided he would wait until he met up with John. If her message was laden with cruelty he'd have moral support present while being forced to read it, and if it wasn't cruel then he'd dodged a bullet and could expound on his emotions with John present.

Once John spotted Fitz he couldn't help but notice that he was as white as a ghost, the dark circles on his under eyes starkly pronounced. Not wanting to put Fitz on the spot in the middle of the lobby John just went in for a hug and directed Fitz towards his office.

"Fitz, I'm not going to lie to you, you look like shit," John said with a chuckle trying to lighten his brother up.

"Well good morning to you too, asshole," Fitz answered.

A few moments of silence passed until Fitz decided to divulge his reason for showing up, even if Olivia's sudden message had thrown a wrench in that.

"It's weird, isn't it? Me passing by is what I mean… I know we aren't used to all this deep conversation shit but I just wanted to thank you. Just thank you for not making me feel like an asshole when I told you the truth about what was going on. All this word vomit is so out of character for me, especially since you've always been the open one between us, but I just didn't… I couldn't keep it to myself anymore after seeing her that night," Fitz said solemnly.

"I'm curious, did you ever tell Mellie?" John asked.

"Not in so many words, by the time we divorced we had drifted so far apart that it felt hopeless to tell her I'd been unfaithful too. We'd been like passing ships in the night long before Jerry died; his birth had had the opposite effect on our marriage. It just compounded our misery as a couple and my one-track mind became all about being a good father. By the time I met Olivia I was starved, and I don't only mean for sex. I didn't approach her with the intentions of starting some torrid affair, it certainly never became tawdry, and at times it'd felt inevitable. Suffocating too, but innocently enough she took me up on my offer to review a few contracts for her one time. She was young—I mean she's still young she's only twenty-eight now, but I could sense she'd lived an expanse of a thousand lives just from looking in her eyes. I'd get lost in time with her and what were supposed to be business meetings morphed into meetings over lunch, which inevitably became longer and longer, until one day it was time to go home and I walked her out to her car. I was being courteous I told myself, but the reality was that I didn't want to part ways with her. Within the four walls of my office she'd always been the consummate professional, shaking my hand when she'd leave, but out in the parking lot, away from prying eyes I guess she decided she needed to strike me like thunder one day. To leave me powerless in her wake. She leaned in for a hug to say goodbye that time, and as our faces got close to one another she whispered "Bye Fitz" in the breathiest tone I'd ever heard and pressed her lips gently on the corner of my mouth. Then she did an about-face and got into her car. I was stunned, rooted in place, torn between thinking I'd imagined the whole thing, or thinking this was the single most exciting kiss since my first kiss. She'd always been so demure that this sudden boldness revealed so much more to her, little vixen that she was, and from that point on I felt like she'd challenged me to find all the different ways to get her to unravel and let me in. I was addicted to discovering her, peeling back the layers—both of her and her clothes. Couldn't have fought it even if I tried. I'd been given a hit once and became an instant junkie. Anyway, you can't mention any of this to Becca. I know you like to share every aspect of your life with your wife but I'm pulling the older brother card and this secret trumps your marriage. She's friends with Mellie, the last thing I want is to have to rehash this because Becca let it casually slip somehow," Fitz told him.

"I know. I haven't said a word to anyone! Not even to mom who was trying to figure out how you are doing since she says you've been very vague over the phone with her lately," John joked knowing damn well his mother was always fishing around for any details that Fitz hadn't shared with her.

Fitz rolled his eyes and said "Yeah, mom's always fishing… anyway, I was initially coming in to thank you for being a listening ear these past few weeks, and to mention how I messaged her a final time last night… but as always, Olivia being Olivia surprises me. On the way up I noticed I had a notification of a message from her from sometime last night, but I was too chicken shit to open it right away."

"Fitz, if you don't fucking open the message right now I swear to god!" John said exasperatedly.

Fitz hesitated for another second before sliding his thumb over the notification, only for his eyes to become glassy as he read her very simple response. With no more than ten words she had managed to floor him the same way she did when she kissed him goodbye in that vacant parking lot four years ago.

John noticed how Fitz had shifted in less than ten seconds, and he couldn't help but think of how he'd had been a universe all on his own for a long time now. Carrying the burden of a dissatisfying marriage, harboring his secret true love, living with the grief of having lost his son, the guilt, the shame, and subsequently having lost it all. At that point in time John noticed Fitz was more resilient than he let on, and far less moody than everyone interpreted him to be. He'd been so stoic for such a large part of his life that people failed to realize he was human after all, and this all only made Fitz more endearing to him.

"The suspense is literally killing me. Do you mind?" John interrupted.

"She's asking to see me," Fitz said with a twinkle in his eye. A twinkle John couldn't remember if he'd ever seen in his brother's blue eyes before.

Not wanting to dwell too much on the thinking of a perfect answer Fitz simply typed "When?" and pressed send.

Olivia had picked up their bagels like she agreed and was currently on her way to Harrison and Mike's place. She figured Harrison had spilled the beans about Fitz, and was grateful she wouldn't have to rehash those details. She needed to tell someone about her crazy idea of wanting to see Fitz face to face, or better yet, her impulsive idea of asking him to meet up, if only to tell him she forgave him in person so that he'd be at peace. She closed her car door as she juggled her purse and the bagels with her other hand and headed towards the front door.

"You little minx, I knew you had it in you," teased Mike as he opened the door to let her in.

"Shut up," she replied somewhat painfully through gritted teeth, knowing damn well once the initial shock wore off both Harrison and Mike would question her within an inch of her life wanting to know it all about Fitz.

"Well if it ain't the other woman," Harrison said.

Olivia simply groaned as she was setting up their breakfast fare.

They ate quietly amid a somewhat awkward silence until Mike interrupted hoping to diffuse the room.

"So…." Mike said in a singsong tone.

Mike's trick had worked as they all found themselves chuckling at his antics.

Olivia wasn't ready to speak yet so she did the next best thing, she handed them her phone and showed them the messages. She figured there was no point in going over the past, besides Fitz had been tucked away in her private bubble back then and she intended to keep it that way. Her open disposition was meant to be applied to the present only.

"Let's start with what's most important here Liv, what does mystery man look like?" asked Mike.

"Tall, white, and handsome," she answered, matching the playfulness of the question.

"Well, he wants to know when you're going to see him, and so do we," Harrison chimed in.

"I don't know. When we get back from our business trip?" she replied.

"Makes sense, so you can mentally prepare," Harrison said.

"Is affair sex really as hot as it's made out to be? How big was he?" asked Mike.

Olivia covered her face in horror as the heat rushed to her cheeks, taken aback by the forwardness of Mike's questions.

"It was hot, passionate, but I don't think it had anything to do with the affair. We were always so in tune, so different but so alike, in a complementary manner… I can't explain it. We just had this unspoken understanding. It wasn't about the sex. It didn't start that way. We'd spend hours in silence, looking in to one another's eyes in our little bubble, shielded from the world outside," She said.

 _Olivia drifted off in her memories to one afternoon in the early stages of their relationship…_

 _They were lying in bed in their post-coital glow as they looked in to one another's eyes, both sobering up to the fact that whatever was going on between them had spun out of their control. Olivia wanted to laugh at their predicament now, legs tangled amid rumpled sheets, but she had no room for humor left in her._

 _"What's going on in that pretty, little head of yours, Livvie?" Fitz asked._

 _She flashed him a beaming smile hoping to wordlessly answer his question, but relented when he looked at her so expectantly. Boyishly handsome across from her in their afterglow as they shared a pillow._

 _"Just thinking of the mess we made," she answered, an unintended double entendre on her part._

 _"Oh really? I thought you liked it when we get messy?" he sassed as he remembered her breathily whining in his ear, telling him he'd made a mess between her thighs ruining her pretty lacy panties. The ones she'd bought just for him to see._

 _She laughed and swatted his bicep, then hovered over him for a kiss, lingering on his lips as she murmured "I do like it when we get messy, mister."_

"Earth to Olivia!" yelled Mike, effectively bringing Liv back to the present.

"Well answer the man!" said Harrison.

"What do I tell him exactly?" she asked.

"You need me to dictate? I got you: I'm going to be out of town for a few days, when I get back I'll let you know. That's all you should say, keep it simple," said Mike.

Olivia huffed and took her phone back from them so she could answer Fitz. She felt silly to have his phone number blocked now that they were communicating with one another again, so she added him on Instagram, wrote to him that she'd be out of town and let him know she'd unblocked him and that he could reach her via text if necessary.

Fitz was pleased with how quickly she'd replied compared to the past messages and the prospect of seeing her when she returns from her trip gave him something to smile about, not to mention the act of unblocking mercy he'd just been the recipient of. He simply wrote "Alright, you let me know," and pressed send.

As Fitz was returning from the gym he noticed she hadn't written back, but he didn't realistically expect to strike up a conversation. While eating his dinner and simultaneously toying with his phone, he noticed he and Olivia were now "friends" and he could see her photograph collection. He'd finally get a glimpse of what she had been up to all this time that they'd been away from one another.

Fitz, not very knowledgeable about Instagram, went through her feed and liked every picture. He was none the wiser about this perceived "etiquette" or that of appearing like a stalker. As Olivia was continuously interrupted from packing her bags by her phone chiming she noticed it was a result of him liking her pictures. Down to the very first one she posted long ago. She found it endearing and thought of maybe teasing him about it if their chemistry was like old times.


	5. Chapter 5

Olivia had been too busy working in San Francisco to stop and think of the rendezvous with Fitz that awaited her once she made it back home. Harrison and her had thrown themselves fully into developing the concepts for their next undertaking and had been going back and forth with the charity, full of early mornings and late nights. She feared she may have damaged her relationship with Harrison even though he seemed to have overcome his disappointment, and she tried to be as normal as possible without coming off paranoid.

Harrison on the other hand felt for her and what she'd been through, but he didn't know how to reach out to her emotionally. He didn't want to invade her privacy so he'd abstained from asking her if she'd seen Fitz yet, he wanted her to come to him on her own terms if she cared to share anything from here on out and he wasn't going to force it.

By the third day of their business trip Liv couldn't take it anymore and invited Harrison to have room service with her. They'd both been stressed out by the job and were walking on eggshells around one another—both needing some sort of reprieve and this was the perfect occasion. Liv opened her room door to let Harry in, greeting him with a warm hug and a beaming smile, trying to quell the awkwardness she felt.

"Is this an HGTV and dinner night?" Harrison asked referencing their guilty pleasure of ordering room service and watching hours of HGTV like they customarily did while away from home.

"Sure is!" replied Liv.

"Perfect, where's the menu?" Harrison asked.

Liv told him what she wanted from the dinner options and stepped away to shower while handing him the menu and offering him the other fluffy robe so they could slip into relaxation mode. By the time she was out the shower dinner had been delivered and HGTV was playing. They ate their dinner while bantering over the design choices made by the homeowners, playing design critics until Harrison interrupted their atmosphere with a question…

"Did you already see Fitz?" he asked.

Liv knew this conversation between them was only a matter of time and she felt like there was no time like the present to share her feelings with someone.

"Not yet, I'm supposed to see him when we get back. I told him that I'd let him know… you know, just like Mike dictated to me," she said with a chuckle.

"And he hasn't contacted you after that?" Harry asked.

"No, he hasn't, but he did like all my Instagram photos… all 643 of them! I didn't have the heart to tell him that liking people's old ass posts can be perceived as stalker-ish and creepy," she answered.

"That's cause he's an old man and he doesn't know the rules of dating now," Harrison teased.

"Dating rules? Really, Harry? We're not dating, we are meeting up to get some face to face closure after all this time," said Liv.

"I know, I didn't mean it like that, but I'm sure that with the way that man wrote to you—I'm sure he'd be ecstatic if dating were somehow on the table again," he said.

"Well it isn't, we never even had a real relationship. It was an affair, remember? Existed in our own little bubble," she said despondently.

"I know, but he said he's single now, and his words obviously affected you if they were making you cry; prompting you to come clean with me," Harrison probed.

She leaned her head on his shoulder and with a deep huff she told him: "His words were making me angry more than sad at first. They revived what I'd felt back then, both extremes of love and hate, and then I got angry because I felt for him, despite what he'd done. I was angry with myself and I chose to ignore his messages, but I could gauge all that sadness emanating from him through his words and I thought of how I'd live with that gaping silence I'd leave if I never answered him… so I did. Now who knows? I feel like I made it worse by asking to meet up."

The air in the room had shifted and Harrison felt for her, he realized she was confused about the choice she'd made, so he vowed to help her work her way through it.

"I don't think you made it worse, I think that once you see each other in person you'll be able to be at peace; both of you. You'll put an end to that silence you mentioned, whatever you have left unsaid inside you from the time you decided to erase his existence, and he can perhaps understand your choices better. You're going to have to suck it up and do it Pope, no turning back now," he joshed.

"Aaaaarrrrgh! I know, I know… kind of jittery about the whole thing," she said.

"So what are you going to wear?" he asked raising his eyebrows.

"Seriously? This is your concern?" Olivia asked him.

"Yeah, you know damn well you're going to aim to knock his socks off. Don't even pretend like you're not conjuring up ways to leave him floored when you walk away. You forget I know you," he joked.

"I already knocked more than his socks off… my mere presence will suffice," she said as she stuck her tongue out at him.

They stayed silent after their conversation, Harrison exchanging a glance with her letting her know he felt honored she'd opened up even a little bit about the situation. And grateful that she'd managed to do it with humor as well. They picked up after finishing their dinner, placed the plates back on the trays and hugged goodbye as Harry placed them in the hallway and turned towards his room.

On the other side of the world Fitz was anxious while fighting the temptation to text her. He didn't want to cross the line and annoy her by asking her when she would be back in town. He'd lurked on her Instagram to see if she had posted anything so he would figure out what she was up to, but she hadn't. He did notice that her posts often spanned many beautiful locations, as if she were always on vacation, he wondered about who she was now? Was she the same woman he fell in love with? How had she changed after what happened between them? Unable to resist temptation any longer he decided to text her and try his luck.

"Hi."

Liv's phone chimed and she chuckled when she saw it was him. She'd unwittingly summoned him with her thoughts. Suddenly she found herself too nervous to reply, and grateful that Harrison had left to his own room, otherwise she'd never hear the end of it.

"Hey, what's up?" she responded.

"Was wondering how much longer you'll be out of town, that is if you're still out of town?"

"I am. I'm in San Francisco. For work. I get back in two days…"

Now Fitz felt awkward contacting her, he hoped she didn't find his intrusion as annoying as he felt he was being.

"We can meet Thursday at the old café. At 7?" she asked.

"Sure. Need me to pick you up?

She rolled her eyes at his sly invitation to pick her up and simply responded "I'll meet you there."

"Ok. I'll see you Thursday."

He felt a little silly that he got carried away and asked to pick her up but like always when it came to her he couldn't help himself. He took a few deep breaths and tried to calm the anxiety he felt creeping in as he thought of seeing her in just a few days. He was going to lose his mind otherwise.

Olivia realized right then and there that she needed to be very careful in making him understand that what she wanted was peace between them, not for him to get all cutesy and offer to pick her up. She quelled her mind and tried not to be annoyed as she got under the fluffy hotel comforter and called it an early night.

A few days passed and Liv was back home. Her meeting with Fitz rapidly approaching, and gradually raising her anxiety levels. She decided she'd go shopping to pick out an outfit and work out her anxiety this way. After a few rounds of walking around Saks she decided on some cropped light wash jeans and a white mock neck blouse. Black strappy low-heeled sandals and her favorite small sling purse would do for the occasion she thought.

Thursday soon arrived and she found herself getting ready ahead of time. She picked up her coiled hair into a high bun, leaving her face structure neatly exposed. Never one to apply too much makeup she chose some mascara and lip balm for the evening. Being late was never her thing so she decided she'd get to the café early to avoid being the one awkwardly walking in to greet him. True to her word she ordered an espresso and sat down by 6:30; she felt more at ease and in control being there before him. He hadn't contacted her after her dry response to his offer of picking her up and she abruptly wondered if he was going to even show up now that she thought of it.

She was wrong. No more than fifteen minutes later he walked through the door, looking around until their eyes met. She got up from her chair as he made his way over, his long legs effortlessly striding throughout the café. She wasn't sure of the emotions bubbling up inside her as time slowed down and the café's noise level felt as if she could hear a pin drop any minute, in her frazzled state she awkwardly extended her hand for a handshake once he made it to the table. She internally cringed and sat down, hoping for time to speed up and get her through this. Instantly, this seemed and felt like a terrible idea to her.

After a few seconds of silence Fitz took the lead and broke the ice.

"I see you got started without me," he said pointing to her coffee cup.

Liv just shrugged her shoulders and flashed a small smile in return.

And just before another awkward silence begun they were saved by their waitress who interrupted them to take their order. Liv asked for some seltzer and an almond croissant while Fitz just wanted a glass of water. He could barely function.

"You smell the same, but you look—I'm not sure, you look wiser…" he said with hesitation while trying not to drown in the memories of her scent. That intoxicating mix of almonds and musky vanilla from Dior's Hypnotic Poison that used to leave him dizzy was having the same effect on him right now.

"Is this your way of calling me old?" she tentatively asked.

"Absolutely not! There's a certain wisdom behind your eyes. I can see it when I look at you," he said.

"Hmmm. I guess I'll take that as a compliment. You look the same, but different? I think seasoned is the word," she said as she took the last sip from her espresso.

"Well that's definitely NOT a compliment. So, you wanted to meet?" he asked, his question like swiftly ripping off a Band-Aid and catching her off guard.

Before even contemplating how to answer his question she glanced at him as he took a sip of water, both a ball of nerves, uncharacteristically out of sync. She couldn't help but notice that his ring finger no longer had a ring tan as he lifted the glass to his lips, the cruel realization of their unfortunate timing slowly spreading over her body. She took a deep breath and sought courage from within to just have the conversation already.

"I did. You were pouring your heart out in the messages you sent and so much time has passed since we last saw one another that I felt it was time for you to know I forgave you long ago for what happened," she said with a shaky breath.

"Why'd you disappear on me? You must've known I didn't mean any of that. I was experiencing the worst thing that's ever happened to me, struggling to stay afloat but you knew you were my rock, the only other true thing in my life at the time. You didn't even bother to stay and argue with me. I would've preferred being told what an asshole I was, how out of pocket I was, rather than the silence I got instead. I couldn't tell if you couldn't find it in your heart to be angry, or if you were so angry that you had no words—or even worse: if you'd reached a point of indifference?" he said.

Always one to properly express his emotions Fitz left her speechless again, leaving her to suffer more silence. Where she struggled the most, he excelled. She took a deep breath and looked away to the corner of the room, she couldn't make eye contact with him right now. If she thought asking him to meet her was a bad idea before, now she felt that it had been one of her worst ideas ever. He'd managed to disarm her like he always did. She wiped a tear from the corner of her eye hoping to regain her composure as she felt like she had no answers for him.

"Liv?" he asked. Their table shrouded in silence for what seemed like an eternity.

" _Livvie?_ " he asked in a softer tone, barely above a whisper. He was trying to reach her however he could. He just wanted to understand what happened more than anything.

"I guess I just couldn't deal with what happened, you know me, and I couldn't even fathom internalizing that what happened to Gerry was somehow my fault. I felt enough guilt and shame about the affair at the time, and the only thing I could think of that would make it easier on both of us was to just cut you off. We'd been doing the same thing for two years; it was beyond irresponsible and you know it. You know we would've only kept on repeating the same mistakes. You would've never let me go no matter how I asked you to, and I would've only ruminated on your words—the last thing I wanted was to toxically repeat your words in my head nonstop. Maybe it was the wrong thing to do, but at the time it felt right. We moved on, didn't we? We got better. You told me you went to counseling, and you got divorced—your marriage no longer a source of your unhappiness. It's a shitty card you were dealt and I could never ever begin to understand how you felt, I'm not a parent so I don't think I could even attempt to. I feel like it would've been insulting to you. It wasn't indifference at all, some of it was anger—anger that we'd fallen so hopelessly in love, that we'd spun so out of control knowing how wrong we were—that there was no future, and some of the immediate anger stemmed from what you said too. You hurt me, I'm not going to deny that. We've poisoned each other enough, don't you think? In retrospect, I can't say that my choice was a bad choice. Can you?" she asked solemnly feeling like a ton of bricks had just been lifted from her chest.

Fitz felt uncomfortable with all the truth she was now choosing to tell him. Did she seriously think they'd poisoned each other this deeply? Sure, they'd turned out a disaster, but besides the birth of his son and being a doting father for as a long as he could be, loving Olivia was the most beautiful thing that had happened to him in his entire life.

"You can't seriously think of yourself as poison Liv. Besides Gerry being born… loving you was the other greatest thing that's ever happened to me. And when you left me I had no answers, I've been wondering for years about where you were? If you had found someone new? That you were somewhere out there feeling guilty because of what I'd said. I felt like I imagined what we shared… I knew I fucked up, but I had this expectation that you'd know it was the grief talking, not that you'd take off. I was wrong, I knew it the minute I said it. You never even gave me a chance to apologize, and now that I have…now you tell me that it all feels like a colossal mistake…" he said, his tone defeated.

"Fitz. There was no future, we knew this going in. Staying would've prolonged the inevitable. We would've only hurt each other more and you know it. I just wanted you to know that I forgive you—that I forgave you long ago. I know you didn't mean what you said, and I felt the anguish in your messages so I simply just wanted you to know that. I didn't want to keep extending my cruel silence. That's why I asked you to come here today, so that in knowing I forgave you, you also forgive yourself. You've made strides in your life, I'd hate to be the cause of stunting your growth," she said.

"That's not what this is about Olivia!" he said as he raised his voice.

"Fitz! I didn't come here to fight. I'm telling you the truth. You wanted to know how I've felt all these years and now you know. You said you wanted my forgiveness and I'm telling you I forgave you, what more do you want?" she asked.

"What more do I want? Are you serious? I want to hear you admit you were too chicken shit to work on us when shit got _really_ rough, and that running away was the easy way out for you… don't you find your actions to be a little extreme?" he asked.

"Okaaaaayyy, I don't have to take this shit. Don't ask me for forgiveness and then show up and try to force my hand. I'm telling you how things were- you were married, we had an affair, your son died, you blamed me for tempting you even though you were the one stepping out on your wife and then your karmic retribution shit lest we forget. Now you want to sit here and continue playing some sick form of the blame game? I'm sorry that your son died. It was a tragic accident. I have absolutely no words to console you with about your loss. Nothing I could've said or done would've sufficed. I'm sorry you didn't like how I handled things back then. Do I wish I could've been stronger for you? Maybe, but it also wasn't my place and you know it. We're done here," she said.

Olivia pushed her chair back and grabbed her purse as she tried to compose herself. She felt like he had seen past the wall she had built, it was easy to leave him when he was unavailable, always giving her an out knowing she wouldn't have to fully commit. Questioning her coping methods had been a step too far for her liking tonight. They were here to discuss her forgiveness so he could move on with his life, how did it become about her being too chicken shit to stick it out with him when he was married?

She took a deep breath as she wiped her sweaty palms on the side of her jeans as Fitz was taking cash out of his wallet to leave on the table. She did an about-face and headed towards the door with him hot on her heels, both too clouded by what had just transpired to realize they were walking out into a rainstorm. Finding themselves without an umbrella forced them to stop and pause under the awning of the café, both looking out into the distant street.

As the rain pummeled the pavement and the wind blew the mist around Olivia shivered as she leaned against the brick wall looking at Fitz's profile. Fitz was breathing loudly, his mind racing a thousand miles a minute. How could a night that he thought was so promising turn out to be so crappy? The more he thought about it the less he regretted what he'd said; they were there to be honest with one another and he did always think she took the easy way out even if he had hurt her first… he had needed her and she had bailed—something he had failed to verbalize in these years even if deep down he knew he was being somewhat unreasonable. He rationalized that love itself was unreasonable and that was enough for him to justify himself.

The sole light outside the café flickered in the storm, a perfect reflection of what they were both feeling inside, but just like rain storm could cause chaos it also had the power to cleanse, and wasn't that what they'd done inside the café? Fitz could feel Olivia staring at him as she leaned against the wall so he decided to turn and face her too. They stood there in perfect silence staring into one another's eyes while the storm roiled around them, each one providing the other the calm they'd hungered for all these years, their eyes communicating an apology for how things had spiraled inside.

Olivia grew uncomfortable at how he'd always somehow manage to disarm her and as the rain let up she broke away from their visual embrace and headed towards her car. She dabbed her tears as she got to her car hoping Fitz hadn't noticed her sorry state.

"I'm sorry Liv. Really, I am," he said.

"I'm sorry too," she answered.

Fitz walked away with his head down and his hands in his pockets as she put the car in drive. Both more uncertain about the other than before, wondering if it'd even been a good idea to see one another after all, except what they both feared was now confirmed—it was probably impossible for either of them to stop loving the other. They'd been trying to fool themselves and had seemingly failed miserably.


	6. Chapter 6

Olivia cried on the way home, cried out of rage, out of impotence, upset that the night she planned couldn't have been further from the reality that had just transpired. She hadn't meant to get worked up, but Fitz as always knew exactly which buttons to push. She didn't go in there wanting to be cruel, and she didn't think she'd been particularly cruel, but she knew Fitz well enough that telling him the ugly truth was going to be hurtful the minute he began to sit alone with his thoughts.

She replayed their conversation over and over in her mind as she drove, trying to find the trigger point for the conversation's decline. By the time she made it back home all she wanted was a scorching hot shower to wash away the night. Her phone buzzed and she dreaded it being anything from Fitz—sure enough he had sent her a text asking if she'd made it home safely. Out of courtesy and unwilling to add any more fuel to the fire she responded that she had.

Olivia knew that she needed to try her best and get some rest tonight because Abby was coming into town the next day. If she knew her friend like she thought she did then she knew she'd be having a fun-filled weekend with very little sleep. Once she showered she put on her silk teddy and texted Abby letting her know she was excited for her arrival. She was grateful she'd be occupied with her beloved guest so she could avoid thinking of Fitz and all that had transpired. She took a deep, calming breath and let sleep take over; the last thing on her mind were her hopes that he wouldn't haunt her in her dreams.

Fitz on the other hand was feeling very overwhelmed on his own, thinking it had done more harm than good to have met in person. He was slowly coming to the conclusion that his one-track mind had taken over, startled Olivia and ruined their night. It hadn't been his intention to tell her what he truly thought of her disappearance, at least not so early in their rendezvous, but now he felt like it was too late.

Their relationship felt beyond remedy, he felt as if there was nothing he could say or do to get her to understand that they were more than two people in their own little bubble. They'd loved each other into oblivion and now it felt to him as if she'd reduced and compartmentalized them to a tawdry affair. Feeling the frustration bubbling up inside of him he decided to change into workout clothes and go for a run to clear his head. He'd have an appointment to discuss this with Cyrus soon, but until then he didn't want this night to take up permanent residence in his head. Working his body to the point of exhaustion seemed like a feasible choice if he wanted to make it through the night sober; he laced up his running shoes and decided not to stop until he was bone tired.

* * *

Friday morning rolled around and Olivia couldn't be bothered to get up from bed. She'd texted Harrison that she needed some peace and quiet and that they wouldn't be working on their project today. He'd asked if she was ok and if this had anything to do with Fitz but she simply replied that she'd explain in person eventually. The less she thought of last night the better, so that she could easily pretend it hadn't spiraled out of control. She didn't mean to snap on him but her temper got the best of her. Her judgment clouded by his intentions to apologize only to be put on the spot for making a decision that she felt was well within her right. She had to admit she felt a tiny bit uncomfortable with the fact that she'd been so curt in the end by getting up swiftly and stating that they were done, but maybe it was for the best. They hadn't seen each other in almost two years, tensions were bound to escalate and erupt at some point.

Olivia was in no mood to host Abby for the next few days as she was in town for a conference. At first it had seemed like a good idea, but now she simply wanted to be alone. Of course, cancelling on her was out of the question seeing as to how she was in town for "work" and she was flying in earlier to take advantage and hang out with Liv. Olivia's thoughts of dread were interrupted by her phone ringing—it was Abby. "Oooh maybe she's calling to cancel," Olivia thought to herself with glee. She was wrong, this was the complete opposite…

"Hi Liv!" Abby yelled on the other side of the phone.

"Hi Abby. Are you calling to cancel on me?" she asked.

"Cancel? I think not! Where are we going tonight? Are we painting the town red?" said Abby.

"I was thinking maybe we could just stay in. You'll be tired from your flight by the time you get in and we have the whole weekend ahead of us. We can rest up and paint the town red tomorrow night," Olivia said.

"REST? Do you hear yourself? It's Friday night, we will have plenty of time to rest when we are dead. You have from now until I get there to plan a sexy outfit. We're going dancing I've decided since I have to make all the decisions around here," she said.

Olivia had no valid excuse that she could give her to make her change their plans, lest she wanted to confess to being a little miffed about an old flame. Then she'd have to explain the whole story from start to finish all over again and she'd had enough of doing that lately.

"Fine, let's go dancing," she conceded.

"Yes! My flight lands at 7, I should be at your house by 8 the latest so that we can get ready. I'll see you then love," she said before hanging up.

Olivia felt like a cannonball filled with dread had just landed on her stomach. She had been in no mood to even get up from her bed that morning, the idea of having to get dressed to go out dancing and enduring god knows how many hours partying until Abby got tired was not what she wanted. The lazy day she had conjured up in her head had just undergone a major alteration but she realized she had until about 6 to lounge in her bed and do absolutely nothing.

By the time that 6 rolled around Olivia dragged her feet but figured now was a good time as any to look in her closet for something to wear. She decided on an off-white mid-length dress with long sleeves and a deep v shape in the front that dipped almost to her navel. With all of the things floating in her head, especially the Fitz situation, she figured that Abby's suggestion to paint the town red was not a bad idea after all.

She opted to leave her blow-dried hair loose, with a single dainty diamond on a gold chain calling attention to her décolletage and a fiery orange-red lip for a little added danger, as if her dress wasn't tantalizing enough already. Abby arrived shortly after, happy to see her friend and eager to get their night started. Liv ordered takeout while Abby showered, figuring they were going to need a good meal to preempt whatever Abby had planned for them. As soon as they finished dinner they ordered an Uber to take them to their destination, an upscale dance club with a rooftop bar.

Once they arrived Abby got the party going almost instantaneously as they passed the bouncer at the door by making a beeline for the bar and asking for two martinis and two shots of gin. She had noticed that Olivia was missing the usual mischievous glint in her eye and she was determined to help her forget whatever was bothering her. She, like Harrison, knew that Liv treasured her privacy and that she'd come to her on her own like she'd done many times in the past if she felt the need for it.

Not ready to jump headfirst into dancing the night away, Abby and Liv opted to sit by a corner table as they people-watched. Eventually, Abby decided they needed a second round of drinks and made her way towards the bar again. In typical Abby fashion, she exchanged glances with a handsome stranger, a silver fox, who then followed her to the bar and introduced himself. He said his name was Peter, that he was there with a friend, and that he would love to know more about her. Abby gleefully shook hands with Peter, letting him pay for this round of drinks and asking him to bring his friend along back to her table.

Olivia wasn't shocked when Abby, who had left to collect their drinks on her own, returned to their nook with more than a plus one. Olivia should've known this would happen, in fact Abby did tell her she wanted to paint the town red and she had refused to take no for an answer. This was the hazard of going out with Abby time and time again; she would always attract someone, almost immediately, and she'd take them up on their offers. In this occasion Olivia, wouldn't be third-wheeling, but now she was forced to be a victim of Abby's matchmaker games.

Pleasantries were exchanged, and Olivia felt forced to put on her best face otherwise she risked Abby's wrath later for "having been a bitter party pooper" as Abby had labeled her on occasion. Abby being Abby opted to test out her new dance partner, leaving Olivia alone with Peter's friend.

"Hi, you said your name was Olivia?" he asked.

"Yes, my name's Olivia," she answered.

"Do you want to go upstairs? I'm not much for dancing, but we can continue our conversation up there if you'd like," he mentioned with a little bit of hope in his tone.

"Sure, let's go," she said. She grabbed her clutch and her drink and followed him up the dimly lit stairs. Once they made it up there it was like a completely different atmosphere. This she liked; the small bar in the middle, the tiny twinkling string lights strewn everywhere, the abundance of plants and relaxed outdoor furniture made it all much more inviting. She was focused on not being a party pooper as Abby often referred to her as, and she didn't mind sharing a conversation with a member of the opposite sex. She'd shared one the night before with Fitz but that was something she wanted to forget, and this seemed like a good opportunity.

"So, Daniel, is it?" she asked.

"Yup. Daniel, that's me," he said.

"And what exactly is it that you do, Daniel?" said Olivia.

She felt like playing twenty-one questions suddenly to make up for what she thought were her terrible flirting skills. She'd only ever seriously been with Fitz, other than her teenage boyfriends but she felt like they didn't count, and she somewhat felt like Fitz didn't count either since they'd had an affair, but she would try to navigate this interaction as best she could. She hyped herself up and decided she'd hold up her end of the bargain to at least have a good night like she'd discussed with Abby.

"I'm an artist, a photographer," replied Daniel.

"Really? And what do you photograph? Any nude photoshoots?" she asked.

Woah, ease up on the throttle Olivia, she thought to herself trying hard not to cringe.

"Sadly no, I don't photograph any nudes," he said as he chuckled. He continued, "I actually am working on a project right now about immigrants. I go into their communities, like to photograph where they live, where they work. I think it's important to document that, like in the olden days. I'm sort of a nostalgic romantic if you will," he answered wistfully.

Suddenly she felt very stupid, the heat rising to her cheeks for making assumptions that he was out there taking vapid photographs; when it was quite the contrary.

"That's unexpected, but a very beautiful concept nonetheless. How'd you get into that if you don't mind me asking?" she asked, his profession having piqued her interest.

"Well, I'm an immigrant. I moved here when I was ten from Korea with my mom. My dad was American, he was stationed there, met my mom, they had me, but then they divorced and he was soon stationed here. Long story short we moved because my mom couldn't bear to be without me those long summer months when I'd come visit my dad. Anyway, I don't just do it because I'm an immigrant myself, I believe in keeping records of the experience, and I feel like on some level, perhaps maybe in the future, this will be deemed as important work. I didn't know if it was work anyone was doing, all I knew was that I could take matters into my own hands and do it myself. Enough about me though, what do you do, inquisitive Olivia?" he asked in return.

"You'd be surprised, but I do something adjacent to what you do. I have what some would call a boutique agency, started it with a few friends eight years ago, and we focus on making content and PSAs for different non-profits. Commercials, graphics, videos, short films. I like to think my work is important in helping get the word out there for those who need it most. Like you I get to be creative and make an impact at the same time, it's very rewarding, even if I butt heads with my colleagues every single day. We are a tightknit group and there's no other people I'd rather do this with," she answered with a smile.

She truly did love what she did for a living, and she was proud of it being entirely of her own conception. She was happy to be able to have the freedom to do what she loved, and beyond that she was grateful, she knew she had crafted her and her staff a world of creative privilege that they were obliged to use wisely.

"That's really lovely Olivia. And let's see, what does Olivia do for fun when she's not out making the world a better place?" he teased.

She flashed him a shy smile as she felt nervous about giving a non-boring answer.

"Hmmm, let me see. I love to travel. I travel a lot for both business and leisure. Sometimes I spontaneously leave for the weekend just because an unplanned adventure sounds terrific. I like to play hostess for my friends here and there, I love a good night wasted on watching YouTube videos. Skincare routine videos are my shit! I like going out kayaking when the weather permits, going on hikes. I like sports, concerts, the ballet, the opera, whatever it is, if it's the arts, I'm there. This concludes the what-does-Olivia-do-for-fun tour. Your turn," she quipped.

"How am I supposed to top all of that?! I'm a foodie and I'm always on the hunt for the weirdest or newest hole in the wall. It's almost an art to find a good secret food place, and I like to impress people by taking them there. I love sports; a bit of a fanatic. Other than that, I'm mostly a homebody if I'm not taking or developing photos. I want to publish series of books on different neighborhoods, especially with all the gentrification that's happening now. Preservation is important and right now it's what occupies most of my time," he answered.

"Yeah, I understand what you mean. Our work is personal, and it has the tendency to take over other parts of your life without you realizing. I've been making a conscious effort to take more time for the personal parts of my life lately. Honestly, this is like my second week back from what was a very long and very extended vacation. My colleague is very glad to have me back, he's also my best friend so he's a little selfish too," she joked.

"With a woman like you, as a friend, as a colleague, or a girlfriend it's hard to not be selfish, so I understand him," he told her.

She had no answer for him, she didn't mind the attention he was showing her, but she didn't know what she was doing, she wished Abby hadn't left her alone. Almost like magic her phone buzzed and it was Abby wanting to know where she and Daniel had gone. She let her know they were up on the rooftop bar.

"Sorry, it's Abby. She thought I ran away when she went off to dance. Her and Peter are coming up now," she said.

"That's great. It was as if Peter was struck by lightning when he saw her by the way; redheads are his weakness. Anyway, before they make it up here—I just wanted to tell you that I'd be an idiot to not ask you for your phone number," he said.

She hoped her facial expression didn't betray her and display that she was unsure of what to make of his request. She figured she'd give him her number and by the time Abby made it up there they'd be interrupted and she wouldn't be forced to ask for his. It was as if she timed it perfectly and that was exactly how it panned out, by the time she was typing the last digit of her phone number on his phone Abby and Peter materialized.

She noticed Abby was radiating a weird vibe, she figured Peter had done or said something that had turned her off and knowing Abby she was probably dying to go home. They said their goodbyes, Daniel letting Olivia know he'd be in touch before they turned around and made their way down the stairs. Once they got home they got in bed and went over the details of their night out as if they were at a teenage sleepover. Abby told her that Peter got increasingly creepy as the night progressed, getting carried away while they were dancing, groping her inappropriately and that she'd texted Liv to make an exit as soon as she handed his ass to him. He could play grab ass with some other woman once she left. Abby wasn't interested.

"So, what about Daniel? Did you end up with the good and decent friend tonight?" Abby asked.

Liv just laughed because she knew exactly what Abby was up to; she was fishing for details.

"He seems nice, I guess. He's very passionate about his work, he's a photographer, it was refreshing to hear him talk about it," she answered.

"Refreshing? I bet it was since you gave him your phone number from what I heard," she said as she raised her eyebrows.

"I did, but I didn't ask for his. I'm not sure if that was the right thing to do or the rude thing to do…" she said.

"I don't think it's rude, men love the chase, and you my darling, you're worth the chase," she told her.

"Abby! That's such a caveman thing to say! Not all men love the chase, that's antiquated! I just didn't ask for his number because I wasn't sure of what I wanted at that very moment. If he calls cool, and if he doesn't that's cool too," she said, trying to drive the point across that Abby was making this a bigger deal than it had to be.

"It may be antiquated but we all want something that's hard to get, women included. I hope he calls, so you can do something other than work all the time. I know I tell you this often but it won't hurt you to hear it again: You're a catch and you need to put yourself out there. It won't hurt you to go on one date with this guy, you may even get laid. Shocking, I know!" Abby said.

"Ok Abby, relax. I'm working on devoting more time to my personal life, it was only a matter of time until I had to contemplate dating. I'll keep your words in mind," said Olivia as she hugged her friend.

Soon Abby said goodnight and left Olivia alone in her room with her thoughts, only for her to be interrupted by a text from Daniel.

It read: "You said you liked sports. How does Tuesday's ballgame sound?"

Here it was, the true test. Was she willing to work on her personal life like she said? What was the worst that could happen? If she didn't like him she wasn't forced to see him again.

"It sounds fantastic!" she replied.

"Perfect, I'll see you then :)" he texted back.

* * *

Tuesday rolled around and Liv was at the mall planning the perfect outfit for her upcoming date. She laughed to herself as she realized she'd been giving her outfits more thoughts than usual lately, first with her meeting with Fitz, then her dancing night with Abby, and now here she was picking out an outfit for her date with Daniel. She settled on a white jersey with some skinny jeans and her "lucky" blue Boston Red Sox cap, all very fitting for the occasion.

Daniel picked her up a while later and they traded stories about their first baseball game. Liv had been introduced to baseball by her beloved dad when she was little, and Daniel was bit by the baseball bug during his summers spent visiting his father. For both of them baseball was a special experience connecting them to their childhoods, and they'd rejoiced at sharing similar experiences once again.

Once they got to the stadium they did the cliché thing, they each ordered a hot dog and a beer and went off to find their seats. Among the other cliché things that they'd chosen to do for the night was to take a selfie; their beer glasses toasting between them with his arm around her. The arm which he didn't move during the entirety of the game, the arm which she didn't want him to move. She'd forgotten what it was like to go out with someone you had chemistry with. She kept Abby's positive attitude in mind about working on her personal life when getting ready for tonight and she wasn't going to stop now. The game ended and he helped her navigate the crowds with his hand placed firmly on the small of her back all the way until they made it back to his car. The car ride home carried over the energy from the game, mixed with anticipation and excitement.

Daniel walked her to their front door, reaching the inevitably awkward part of first dates. Daniel leaned down to hug her goodbye but was met with her doe eyes looking at him expectantly in the silence of the humid night, he put his thumb on her chin, closed his eyes and leaned further for a peck. Once they pulled away from one another she smiled and thanked him for a great time as he turned around and headed back towards his car.

Olivia felt proud of herself, she'd done something normal, she'd gone on a date and she hadn't had a bad time. Riding her wave of positivity, she opened Instagram to post a picture to recap her night; her cup of beer with the baseball diamond in the background. She captioned it "About Tonight" with an upside down smiley face emoji to go with it. Liv got into bed and opened Instagram again when she saw Daniel had left her a comment on her last post, a simple wink emoji.

She laughed and kept scrolling until she came across a picture of Fitz, she guessed it was his first post. There he was she thought, as handsome as ever out boating in a chambray button down with khaki shorts. A messy head of curls with a pair of aviators obscuring his bright blue eyes and his crooked smile. She couldn't resist and took a screenshot of it in case he deleted it later, she had no pictures of him, and anyway who the hell was going to know she'd kept this one?

Turns out that wasn't the only thing Fitz had posted, as she scrolled some more she came across another post. It was Fitz and Gerry at one of his soccer practices and the caption read: "My little love, not a day goes by that I don't think about you. That I don't miss you being here with me. Thinking of all the wonderful times we shared during your time here on Earth helps to keep me going. Love, Your Daddy."

She took a screenshot of this one too as it made her sentimental. She'd told him there was nothing she could possibly do to ease the pain of losing his son, and she'd meant it, but seeing this post brought out a little of that raw emotion she tried to so often suppress. She felt a little to see his life so conflicted as it was reflected in those pictures. As if he was living between two worlds, one world of fun like the picture of him boating and another world filled with grief about his son. She huffed in frustration as she dug her face into her pillow because she'd let Fitz interrupt the good vibe she was on. It wasn't intentional but the universe always managed to sneak him in.

At the same time, she got a text from Daniel that read: "Thanks for a great date. Is tomorrow too soon to do it again?"

Vowing to work on her personal life, and hoping to get her thoughts far away from the universe's latest Fitz-terruption she quickly answered: "Not too soon at all."

She kept repeating to herself how she had vowed to work on the personal parts of her life, but she couldn't help but realize that perhaps she sounded like she was forcibly trying to convince herself.

 **Author's Note: I want you to know I have no interest in writing a love triangle. There's a purpose, trust the story to get to where it needs to go for Olitz.**


	7. Chapter 7

Harrison and Mike were putting on one of their lovefests PDAs on as usual. Liv didn't even bother to tell them to get a room anymore, after ten years she was now used to it. She resorted to teasing them.

"It is eight in the morning, how do you two even have the energy to be hugging and kissing and touching so much? Don't you two need a few minutes to gather yourselves in the morning? Can't you wait until you have a cup of coffee? Y'all make me sick," she told them.

"We already had quite a few minutes to gather ourselves, if you know what I mean. Hint hint. Cough cough. When you get a man, you're going to be putting us to shame. I know it. I feel it in my soul," Mike responded while raising his eyebrows for emphasis.

"Ugh. Oh, please I don't even know why you'd think that…" she said.

"It's simple. You're a sexy bombshell, no man in their right mind would voluntarily keep his hands off you," Mike said.

"You set yourself up for that one Liv," Harrison told her.

She simply rolled her eyes in return as she crossed her arms.

"How'd it go with Fitz the other night?" asked Mike.

"Wow. First you subject me to your sexy love displays, then you don't serve me any breakfast and you jump right into this piping hot topic without even a warning," she complained.

"You know you want to tell me," Mike sassed.

"Since you asked...It was fine at first and then it turned out to be a mess of a night. Started out promising but I ended up in tears. He went home with glassy eyes. True to form we managed to make chaos even when aiming to get closure," she said.

"You went home crying? What'd that asshole do now?" asked Harrison.

"Woah, slow down Harry. We just exchanged words, it's not about what he did or what I did. He complained about my self-imposed disappearance and it bothered me. Made me feel exposed. And then I was just frustrated about the whole thing. I guess I didn't expect him to question me and my motives, we hadn't seen each other in almost two years, it was bound to happen sooner or later," she answered despondently.

"You love that man," Mike chimed in casually.

"What the hell are you talking about, honey?" interrupted Harrison.

"She loves that man or else she wouldn't be so affected. She wouldn't have gone home upset that their date went to shit," Mike answered.

"Can you two stop talking about me as if I'm not sitting right here across the very same kitchen island you're inhabiting right now?" she asked.

"And it wasn't a date!" She said in exasperation.

"Sorry," they both said sheepishly at the same time.

"Did you two talk at all after that night?" Mike asked.

The mood in the room had inevitably shifted.

"He asked if I had gotten home alright, but that was it. I answered him that I had, but after that we haven't talked at all," Liv answered.

"Do you want to talk to him?" Harrison asked.

"I don't know. It feels unfinished, but it's as if we're doomed to always feel unfinished after what we've been through. I was a bit curt; I admit that I did ruminate on the barbs we traded, but I'm not sure what good reviving the conversation one more time would do," she said.

"I think… that it's ultimately up to you and you know that. If you're going to keep thinking about him here and there and feel this way then perhaps you two should speak another time so that you can clear out your own emotions at the very least. But if you're ok with closing that door for real this time and you think you can live with a decision with that type of finality as things stand now then you know what choice to make. I also want you to know that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Not even what I think and what I'm telling you right now. I know it's unsolicited advice, but Harry and I, yes even Harry here, we want to see you happy and if this is an impediment to your happiness then we don't want you to suffer for it. And if your happiness is tied up in that person in a way that you haven't unraveled yet then it's safe to say that you deserve to give yourself the opportunity. I'm just a wise old man giving you unsolicited advice right now, but at the very least think of what I'm saying," Mike told her.

Harrison sat quietly as the observer, he wanted her to be happy, he told her all the time that she was too precious to not be adored by someone. He knew deep down Liv could only take a few more years of being their eternal third wheel. She had even gone through phases in which she admitted to him she felt uncomfortable being the third wheel, almost as if she was intruding between him and Mike. Even if he hated Fitz right now he could grow to tolerate him if Liv even thought for a minute her happiness was tied up with him.

Liv interrupted the stillness by saying "I actually went on a date last night, and I had fun, I even agreed to a second date, but of course it's like I can't catch a break from Fitz. He's everywhere. I went to post on Instagram after my date and it turns out he posted what could easily pass for a thirst trap on Instagram. But that wasn't enough, he also posted a ridiculously sweet message to his dead child."

Liv's phone buzzed loudly on the marble counter causing her to glance at it.

"You see?! It's like my phone is bugged. This man has ridiculous timing," she said frustrated.

It was a message from Fitz.

"It's not his timing baby, it's the universe trying to tell you something. No such thing as coincidence," Mike told her as he shrugged.

"And what about your date? Where'd you two meet?" Harrison asked.

"I went out with Abby the other night and you know her so of course she found someone to dance with and a plus one for me as well. He's a nice guy and we had a good time, tonight's supposed to be the second date but now I'm starting to feel as if I've forced it all. Fitz just seems to be everywhere these days and I can't decipher if it's been bad or good to open up that door lately," she said.

"Liv, I'm not going to tell you how to live your life but you have to stop doubting every little thing you do. You went on a date, something normal people do, less than 24 hours ago, please stop trying to undo that progress. You're questioning your date, you're questioning your talk with Fitz— what I'm trying to say is that you should think for you and about you, instead of taking some other way out in which you just pile shit on top of yourself without giving yourself a second to deal with anything. That's not healthy and that's what you've been doing no matter how much you want to deny it," Harry said.

He and Harrison stepped away to wash their coffee mugs to give her some space to think over their words and some privacy to read whatever Fitz had sent.

" _I know I got carried away the other night. I got way ahead of myself, and I know I'm selfish when it comes to you. I always have been. I selfishly loved you back then, and I suspect that the affair only aided and abetted my selfish tendencies because I always had you to myself in our little bubble. I know that's wrong. And I know I'm wrong but I don't know any other way. I've never loved anyone the way that I still love you and I always tried to tell you that. Always tried to make it so that you'd feel that. I know I was wrong to accuse you of being a chicken shit the other night, and I'm trying not to dwell on what happened. I feel like nowadays I'm always in the wrong. I'm utterly exhausted of living like that. I just want you to understand that I was only attempting to piece the puzzle together last night. I just want to understand why you left so abruptly when you must've known that it was the grief talking, that I could never possibly think you to be some form of karma. We've both said things we didn't mean to one another over the years, and while we've never been in what society would deem a real relationship, you're still the realest love I've ever felt besides my son. I just can't quit you. If there's any takeaway from the other night is that I just can't quit you."_

Liv sighed in frustration as she realized that his latest confession was the icing on the cake for her already jumbled thoughts. She suddenly realized that after Fitz she'd had no interest in anyone for two years, and the date with Daniel seemed more and more like an impulse to prove something to herself after being triggered by seeing Fitz she thought. Had she overcompensated with Daniel? At first she felt like she'd gone along with it in their initial meeting because of Abby, but then she also felt like their date was real, that he could be someone of genuine interest to her... but then it was all shot to shit thanks to the universe's continuous interference in favor of Fitz.

Now she wasn't so sure seeing as to how she had done what she always did—she'd chosen not to process what happened with Fitz and dove headfirst into a distraction instead— the traveling, the constant working, endless efforts to keep busy. She realized right then and there that she had no business roping Daniel in when she was so unsure about what was happening with Fitz. What had started as a desire on his part to apologize was now a full-blown love confession, something she didn't expect because she hoped her disappearance had made him hate her. She always figured that'd be easier than having to face the demise of their relationship.

She remained at the kitchen island with her head in her hands, only to be interrupted by Mike giving her a hug from behind the stool she was sitting on. He kissed the back of her head and gave her another squeeze as he whispered "Remember what I said honey, figure out how your happiness ties into this you're going through. That should be your guide, it'll let you know all you need to know."

She smiled a sad smile, grabbed her keys, said her goodbyes and headed back home. The first thing on her to do list was to cancel on Daniel. She had quickly decided that there was no point in wasting his time when he seemed like such a nice guy, and she'd be actively doing so if she somehow ended up leading him on while she figured out what possibilities she had with Fitz.

She chose to heed Mike's advice and she examined her immediate feelings. She thought of all that she had shared with Fitz, the stolen glances, stolen kisses, endless nights of passion—and she realized that all that clandestine happiness could be multiplied tenfold now that he was a single man. Fitz had talked about being unable to quit her, and this prompted her to question if she had ever quit him or if she'd just stored him away trying to ignore the empty hollow that had taken up residence in her heart. The opportunity to love someone deeply, and be loved in return just the same was not something afforded to many, who was she to squander it?

What she needed now was to prioritize, and she'd start by letting Daniel down easy. She knew that canceling on him would not be enough, and she felt guilt because she'd figured he would spend some time trying to reconcile the reality of their first date and her subsequent cancellation of a second date she'd already agreed to. She was sure he'd ask her out again so the only choice left for her was to be honest. She was grateful they'd only gone on one date and now she needed to come up with a way to make him understand there was no future for them as long as Fitz was fluttering in her head. She figured she'd just tell him that she appreciated him taking her out the night before, that she had a great time like she'd mentioned to him, but that she just couldn't keep going out with him and being dishonest. It wasn't fair to him to lead him on when she might have feelings for someone else, and this was something she was looking to avoid.

She took a deep breath, put the car in drive, and instructed her car to dial Daniel. Sooner than later she thought.

Once she'd let Daniel down easy she knew she needed to answer Fitz. She didn't feel it was appropriate to leave him on read like she'd done in the beginning after he'd just so sentimentally poured his heart out to her. She picked up her phone again and began typing a text.

"I'm sorry I was so curt the other night. I recognize your need to understand and I wish I had simple and direct answers for you. I'll be in touch."

* * *

It wasn't even noon and Olivia felt as if she was wiped out. She went up the stairs, got undressed and got directly under her covers. Whenever she was feeling down she liked to sleep it off, this occasion being no exception. Plus, she needed her rest if she wanted to look her best at Andrew's party tomorrow otherwise there would be no concealer to save her if she kept on experiencing the most restless sleep of her adult life. Harrison told her he wasn't going to go this time, so she'd be on her own and would only stay for a short while. She didn't care what time it was right now; she was headed for an early afternoon nap.

Thursday rolled around and Olivia was getting ready for Andrew's little mixer. He did this often it seemed. She tried not to think about the fact that in one of these happy hours is where she had met Fitz. She didn't know if to laugh or crumble under her anxiety

She slipped on her tiny undies to avoid panty lines against her ice blue satin dress. The more she looked in the mirror the more she wondered if this dress was appropriate for the event. With a scoop satin neck exposing her décolletage and the wispy spaghetti straps barely holding her boobs in place she thought she'd be a bit too forward. She laughed at herself for being so silly and decided to soothe her doubts by remembering that this dress went all the way to her knee. That was demure enough she thought, without paying any mind to the fact that her back was also entirely exposed except a few criss-cross satin strings holding the dress together. Snapping herself out of her thoughts she slipped on her strappy tan sandals and headed towards Andrew's happy hour. She wanted to be in and out, like a tooth extraction.

Once she arrived she didn't know why she hadn't thought of it. Her mind was spinning since it happened so fast— Fitz was here. Of course he'd be here, they're friends she remembered! After she told him she would get back to him ever since his last "love letter" as she was starting to refer to them and she hadn't. Not yet. She had just decided to try and work on her feelings and it was as if Fitz had some special access to godly favors since he seemed to have endless luck of finding her and running into her.

She saw his nape before she saw the rest of him, a nape she'd kissed and touched so many times she'd know it anywhere. Eventually she made eye contact with Andrew as he was making his way towards her. Fitz turned around too but he wasn't ready for what he was going to see once he fully focused. There she was, in a sinful dress that draped and caressed every curve on her body— prompting him to begin cursing under his breath. Didn't they say it was truly unlikely to be struck by lightning twice? He was sure that was a lie since Olivia had just managed to strike him again.

"Olivia, how have you been? You here on your own without Harrison?" asked Andrew.

"Hello, yes I'm here without Harry. He's busy prepping for a baby these days," she answered.

Andrew noticed Fitz was around so he motioned for him to come forward—

"You've met Fitz, haven't you Olivia?" asked Andrew.

"Yes we've met," Liv answered as she extended her hand towards him. He looked uncomfortable and she suspected it was because of her, so she excused herself.

If the dress had stirred something inside him when he'd first seen her then he didn't know what to label what he was currently feeling as he watched her walk away from him. Without thinking twice he pulled out his cellphone and sent her a text.

"Can we meet at the park later?"

He had to talk to her tonight, he needed to get close to her, to tell her how beautiful she looked even if she rebuked him.

Liv had just gotten herself a glass of champagne when she decided to check her cell phone. Of course Fitz had texted her. He was shameless.

She simply texted back "once you leave, I'll follow after about fifteen minutes and see you at the park."

Once Fitz read that he was ready to leave happy hour, he didn't care that he'd only been there for about twenty minutes. Now the rest of his time was spent calculating how much longer he had to stay at happy hour for it to be socially acceptable. Another thirty minutes passed and he eventually couldn't take it anymore so he said his goodbyes, especially letting Liv know he was leaving. She waited exactly fifteen minutes and headed out towards the park which was no more than a ten minute drive away.

Once she got there she spotted him on a bench so she parked her car nearby. They were alone with the exception of a few crickets chirping. She walked towards him and eventually made it to him, sitting on the bench facing the water. He was staring off into the distance, trying to quell the storm of thoughts rushing through his mind.

He turned a bit so he could observe her profile to his left; his gaze making Olivia a little nervous as if under his microscope. He broke their silence to ask her a question:

"Are you trying to kill me in that dress?"

She could only crack a smile as she kept her gaze in front of her. She felt as if her temperature had explosively risen the minute he scooted closer to her, repeating her question in a hush tone barely above a whisper.

"Are you? Trying to kill me?" he asked a little slower is time.

Liv chuckled lightly without giving him an answer, never making an effort to face him. She wasn't trying to kill him, but she couldn't deny she was enjoying the effect she had on him. Fitz finally had enough and he dipped his head down to murmur in her ear.

"Hmm? I asked you a question Livvie," he said in her ear.

He was weakening her defenses, nipping at her exposed neck, sliding his hand over her lap, feeling her silky dress beneath his fingertips. She gathered her senses and managed to moan out a _no_ as a response.

"I don't think so baby," he whispered against her collarbone, causing Liv to tilt her head granting him better access.

He continued his ministrations biting and soothing the storm he was positive he was causing in Liv, as his right hand moved up her body and landed on her left breast. He rolled her nipple between his thumb and forefinger, the feel of the fabric becoming too much and causing Liv to gasp out loud. They were slowly getting carried away on this park bench but neither seemed to care. Fitz was getting harder by the second, the woman he'd missed so much was finally putty in his hands, just like he'd always remembered.

He nudged her dress straps down exposing her shoulders and proceeded to shower her with kisses as she leaned back. His right hand never giving up his grip over her dress. He continued nipping at her skin making his way across the top of her cleavage as she brought her left hand up to caress his nape, her fingers getting caught in his hair. His kisses making their way lower until he was gently biting and licking her nipples through the fabric, something that had Olivia gasping for air and scratching her nails down his bicep with force.

A surge of oxygen stuck Olivia and she realized they were in public. She pulled his head away from her chest, forcing both of them to catch their breaths.

"Fitz, we're in public," she said breathily.

He gave a deep sigh against her chest, the air burning his lungs as he calmed down in her arms while she ran her fingers through his hair. Her heart melted a little at his teenage boy reaction to getting carried away at a park bench, needing a minute to compose himself.


	8. Chapter 8

It's been 84 years, I know! This is a rather short chapter but I do offer you some smut (first-time writing smut *blushes*) to show you how sorry I am! I recently got a job as a writer, so I had to get used to writing for a living and not letting it take away from my creative writing... it was hard to come home and devote energy to the same thing I'd been doing all day, I won't lie. Lucky for y'all the next chapter is in the works. As always, let me know what you think :)

* * *

Once Fitz's labored breathing was under control Olivia got up without a word and extended her hand out to him. He got up and followed her, wondering where the hell she was taking him. Olivia's feet were moving faster than her thoughts, a physical reaction that Fitz had obviously provoked. She didn't want to think of the long term consequences of what she hoped would transpire, he'd reopened a need within her and she was more than ready to cave.

She unlocked her car as he followed closely behind as she lead him with their held hands until she let him go to open her passenger's car door.

"Get in," She said trying to make sure she didn't sound as shaky as she felt.

Fitz raised his eyebrows in wonder but complied with her request nonetheless. What he wasn't expecting is for her to climb in and straddle him the minute he sat down. He wasn't sure of what to do and he didn't want to ruin whatever they had going on so he simply put his hands at his sides and reclined his neck to look up at her.

She was unsure of what she was doing as well, but she didn't want her inner conflict to betray her and expose her. She kept thinking of the last time she'd had sex - it'd been with Fitz - and suddenly her dry spell felt like a sexless eternity. A brief moment of possessiveness took over her as she wondered if he'd been as celibate as she had since their bitter split, but the rational part of her brain told her it didn't matter - he was there beneath her and now she was driven to have a good time.

She looked down at him and in the breathiest tone she could muster she simply whispered for him to touch her. And so he did. He was always at her mercy no matter how dominant he was in bed. He ran his hands up her thighs while hiking her silky dress up without breaking eye contact. Suddenly feeling more naked than she was thanks to his gaze, Olivia lowered her eyes and went to work unbuttoning his shirt and kissing the exposed skin over his toned chest. In response Fitz slipped his hands under her dress and caressed her ass that was barely covered with what she liked to call underwear. Olivia worked her way up his neck with kisses, taking in his own scent mixed with cologne that always managed to drive her crazy. She nibbled and placed tiny kisses on his jaw until she made it to the corner of his lips, taking his bottom lip between her teeth; biting and pulling it before soothing it with a gentle kiss causing Fitz to groan. They continued kissing languidly, tongues dueling as Olivia's hands made their way towards his belt buckle. She unzipped his pants and slipped her hand underneath, softly palming him over his boxer briefs only to falter the instant she felt his thick fingers between her legs.

She tried to steady herself as he continued to tease her by lightly applying pressure on her clit with his thumb while his index and middle fingers slowly stretched her. Wanting to get as close to Fitz as possible Olivia was now slipping the satin straps of her dress down her shoulders until her breasts were exposed. Fitz took notice immediately and he dipped his head as he bit and licked her nipples without her dress as a barrier. He increased his pressure on her clit as he sped up his fingers sliding in and out of her. It'd been so long that anyone other than herself had touched her that Olivia was on the brink of cumming. Fitz noticed her ragged breathing as he felt her pussy tighten around his fingers and he thought he'd have at least a little fun at her expense.

"You like that?" he asked knowing damn well that she did.

"Keep going, make me cum, Fitz" she barely managed as an answer. Once again he did as he was told.

She rode out her orgasm with her face close to his neck as he slowly pulled his fingers out of her tight grip. Immediately wanting to return the favor she lowered her right hand and was pleasantly met with wetness on his boxers. She slipped her hand beneath the elastic and freed his hard cock, running her thumb over his sensitive and wet tip. Continuing her ministrations, she jerked him off slowly as she watched his face contort in pleasure.

Fitz reached out to stop her movements, telling her "I'm sensitive... it's been a long time, since you in fact..."

Olivia couldn't help the feeling she felt inside at that moment, knowing that she hadn't been the only one deeply affected by what they had shared, leaving them both unable to share this part of themselves with others.

"Think you can hold out and fuck me?" she whispered against his lips.

Fitz chuckled at her taunt and said "Put it in."

Olivia slid down his cock as she gripped his shoulders for leverage, pausing halfway to adjust to his girth. They rocked their hips gently against one another as Olivia straddled Fitz, both working up their momentum. Fitz gripped her hips gently lifting her for a moment before slamming his cock into her, causing her to moan loudly. She tilted her head back as rode him harder and harder barely leaving any room between their bodies that were now covered in a sheen of sweat. Fitz felt his own tension rising and loosened his grip on her hip so he could coax one more orgasm from her before this was over. The minute he massaged her clit he knew she was close by the way she reactively tightened around his dick. He groaned loudly as he circled her clit a little faster while losing his rhythm. Olivia came with a silent scream as he held tightly onto her, surely leaving behind a bruise or two, pumping until he spilled his seed inside her – both left in a sweaty, panting heap.

* * *

There was no sweet afterglow to be had here, the reality of what had just transpired came over both of them like icy rain, freezing them in place. Neither wanting to break the silence that settled between them as they attempted to move awkwardly away from one another. Olivia reached over to grab her clutch and pulled out a tissue for the unavoidable cleanup. She wished this moment would quickly come to an end while balancing herself on her knees as she still straddled Fitz - he didn't know if to help her or just sit there silently, wondering if his touch was no longer welcome.

He decided to take a leap and pulled up her dainty satin dress straps, helping her get dressed as he kept a blank expression on his face. She couldn't even offer him a weak smile in return, with the reality of their current predicament falling on her like a ton of bricks. She took a deep breath and without saying anything reached for the door handle. Once the door was open she relished in the feel of the cool breeze that swept in, almost like a metaphor for the cold that was about to settle between them. Olivia tried to gracefully exit the car and once outside decided she'd voice the words she knew he wouldn't want to hear.

"We shouldn't have done that."

He expected it and he was used to it - her rejection, but it didn't make it sting any less this time around. He didn't think he had the energy to fight with her, but he felt that it was now or never and he was determined to get a reaction out of her one way or another.

"Well, you probably shouldn't have asked me to get into your car," he retorted drily.

She rolled her eyes at him in response without saying anything, taunting him to continue.

"No, don't roll your eyes at me," he said as he waved his finger in the air, his other hand at his hip.

"This always happens, the blame always shifts to me somehow… need I remind you that you were a very active participant just a few minutes ago?" he said as he slightly raised his voice.

He probably looked as crazy as he felt in this very moment, running his hands through his hair, looking and feeling thoroughly fucked, the mix of oxytocin and endorphins still numbing parts of his skin…

His question was met with silence, frustrating him even further. He hadn't initially set out to sweep her off her feet, and he had only wanted to deliver his apology, but being in her atmosphere always did this to him. Weakened his defenses, made him feel hazy with desire as it built up – they always felt inevitable to him, but always felt like he couldn't get all the way through. Here they were, at what felt like a crossroads, staring at one another after they'd collided full-force once again. He was at his wit's end, unable to understand how something that she'd initiated and thoroughly enjoyed was immediately referred to as something they shouldn't have done. He imagined it'd be awkward once they finished, but he ever envisioned that it'd turn into this instantaneous icy affair. He'd been through hell with her already, why would this be any different? He took a deep breath and said to her:

"You know what? Never mind, forget I asked. I should've known this is how the night would end no matter what happened. I don't know why I thought it'd be different. I didn't come here with the intention of fucking you, I just wanted to see you alone, to have you to myself… I've been waiting for you to "get back to me" but what difference does it make? You're just not interested in the long haul, you never were… this is what's comfortable, and I know I've done my fair share in fucking this up, but I'm sure I'll never ever meet whatever standard you've set. And you have no reaction, to anything. Instead of facing me, or telling me to fuck off… NO, you just think taking off and performing a disappearing act is the cure for everything. We never stood a chance because you never even gave us a chance. But you're right about something – we shouldn't have done this."

Olivia felt as if a tornado had just rolled through her, leaving emotions instead of debris lying around the room. He'd just criticized she never reacted, but if it was a reaction he was looking for then he was in for a surprise.

"DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF RIGHT NOW?" she yelled. She didn't care if she caused a scene at a public park after midnight. This is what he wanted, and now she was eager to deliver.

"You were married Fitz; do you know how fucking delusional you sound right now? Commit to you? Commit to you how exactly? We weren't together because you were married… how could I give a chance to something that probably had a sell-by date? We were as together as our situation allowed! I'm not like you Fitz, you readily express your feelings… and you write me these flowery apologies, for something that I understood about you long ago… You paint me out to be some bitch, but you have these impossible expectations of me, demanding that I share when you know how hard it is for me. I've been alone my entire life; I must work my way up to things in case you haven't noticed. We aren't together, never really have been, and I don't owe you shit," she responded bitterly. Olivia felt as if Fitz always managed to get her spinning out of control, making her sound so distant from the happy-go-lucky person she tried to be despite all the hardship she'd endured. Was feeling this out of control a true requisite of love?

Fitz threw his hands up in defeat and told her "You're right. Do whatever you want, think whatever you want. Work your way up however you want. On your own time. It's what you've always done. Whatever this is between us has always existed at your mercy, makes no difference to me."

His defeated attitude stunned her, and she felt as if maybe she'd gone too far. She panicked when she heard him sigh loudly and saw him turn to walk towards his car.

She suddenly felt suffocated when the night's disappointment began settling within her, and before she could give it a second thought she blurted out to the back of his head, "Fitzgerald, if you don't turn around right now!"


	9. Chapter 9

Fitz couldn't believe her right now. He tried to steady himself, torn between turning around or walking away, their latest exchange bitterly floating in the air between them. Nothing ever seemed to go as intended between them, there was always an escalation lurking in the shadows. He knew staying put without saying anything or turning around would be the end for good and he knew he had a choice to make. Was it worth it to keep rehashing the same failed relationship? Was it even a relationship at all? If her words were anything to go by it'd never even been. He unclenched his fists and took a deep breath, hoping the cool air would fill his lungs and somehow give him strength. Torn between thinking of what to say – if saying anything at all would be appropriate at this time – or keeping silent, Fitz chose to slowly turn around.

The look of anguish in her eyes was enough to bring him to his knees if he let it and he struggled to maintain his composure. He went with the only thought he could formulate before another argument ensued.

"Just go home Liv. I think we've had enough for tonight. For the past few weeks really. Maybe it was a mistake – being in each other's orbit always seems to go left for us. Let's just…"

He couldn't even finish his sentence as she interrupted him.

"Let's just what? Forget it? Is that what you want?" she said, her voice cracking.

She couldn't help herself, she didn't want to seem vulnerable all of a sudden, but their latest exchange had left her feeling raw, open. Was there any reason to love? Any logic? Did it feel this way because this was Fitz? She wanted to run to him, to hold him and tell him everything was going to be alright the minute he lashed out, but the soft moonlight that shone on him told her he was guarded. An eternity seemed to pass and it felt as if he had no answer for her. Fitz sighed deeply again.

"Say something," she prodded.

"I don't know what to say, Liv. I.. I," he uncharacteristically stuttered. "I think we should sleep on this. I think we've had enough for one night. If you had told me this is where we'd find ourselves a few weeks ago I wouldn't have believed you. I don't want us to keep hurting one another," he said with finality in his voice.

Olivia wanted to crumble, for the earth to open up and swallow her right then and there. She didn't know if she felt embarrassed because she'd seduced him and landed them in this predicament, if the fact that she immediately expressed her regret was what was weighing her down, or if his detached reaction was what was hurting her the most. She sniffled as she stared at him, but was surprised to see him walking towards her. Fitz took a few steps towards her, his hands in his pockets. Once he was close enough he took his left hand and wiped her tears, and as he towered over her he reached down and kissed her forehead and whispered to text him when she made it home safely.

Fitz then turned around and walked towards his car, opening his door while he waited for her to do the same. Once Liv reversed and drove off he went on his way. Again, they'd gotten caught in their whirlwind of emotions, leaving them both reeling and feeling a little out of control. Olivia usually told herself he always knew what buttons to push, but alone with her thoughts on her drive she realized she'd been guilty of the same thing tonight. She texted him when she made it home like he asked her to. Torn between wanting to wash him off her or pouring herself a drink to sulk in what had just transpired, Olivia decided to push her luck and texted Fitz "I can still feel you all over me."

Not in the mood for any more emotional battles on this particular night, Fitz simply replied "Don't do that, Olivia," leaving no room for her to be coy. She'd already taken him for an emotional ride, hell, she'd even ridden him, he couldn't tolerate much more. Not wanting that to be the last thing he said to her for the night Fitz picked up his phone and told her he'd talk to her tomorrow.

Feeling rejected Olivia downed her glass of bourbon and slipped off her dress as she headed for the shower. As she stood under her steaming rainshower shower head she wanted to scream out of frustration. She kept replaying the night's events over and over in her head, losing track of how much time she'd been under the steaming water. Feeling lightheaded now that the bourbon was starting to take effect, Olivia turned off the water and wrapped herself in a fluffy towel. Fighting the urge to open up her laptop and dive into work Olivia decided to call it a night and got in bed, exhaustion taking over.

On the other side of town Fitz was spent and had already passed out. Tomorrow would be another day.

Days passed and despite the fact that Fitz told her he'd talk to her "tomorrow," Liv hadn't heard from him. Not sure about where they stood, she constantly fought the urge to text him – or even worse, the urge to go see him. Maybe he needed time, she thought to herself. Clearly he needed time if he hadn't reached out. She hated feeling out of control and this was probably the reason why she always hesitated to dive in headfirst with him. Truth be told she was a little pissed off, and now that she'd had sex with him she grew increasingly frustrated. It was one thing to go two years to go without sex voluntarily, but now that she'd had a taste of Fitz it was all she could think of.

He plagued her every thought as she found herself wondering how he was, what he was up to, how he was feeling. Deciding to be the bigger person she reached out and texted him "Hey, can you talk?" Minutes passed without an answer as she stared at her phone for what felt like hours. Eventually what felt like a distant chime roused her from her thoughts.

"Can't right now, I'm with my nephews."

"I'll call you later," he added.

She fought the urge to immediately reply "Sure, like you said you'd call me tomorrow…" and instead just opted for an "alright."

Eventually Fitz did call, but not wanting to seem too eager Liv waited for a few seconds to pass before picking up.

"Sorry, I was with the kiddos," he said smoothly.

"Can you come over?" she spouted before even thinking of the implications.

"Um, sure. What's your address?" he replied.

She gave him her address, hung up, and immediately went off to freshen up. After triple-checking that her apartment was tidy she poured herself a glass of wine for liquid courage. Once he invaded her personal space, her very own sanctuary there'd be no turning back and she was unsure how she felt about it.

Fifteen minutes later there was a knock on the door. She awkwardly opened it, not sure how to greet him as she stood to the side to let him pass. After crossing the threshold Fitz took a look around her place, casually complimenting her artwork choices.

The Fitz that stood in front of her was almost unrecognizable. He had this serene aura about him, unlike the emotionally disheveled man she'd been with just a few days prior. Opting to break the ice she asked him if he'd also like a glass of wine, but he declined and asked her for water instead, saying he needed to be clear-headed. Once she poured him his water she made her way back to her couch where he was waiting for her. He had opted to sit on her big armchair by himself, making her wonder if she was in for more rejection or if this was some good old self-preservation on his part.

The silence that enveloped them broke when he asked "What are we doing here?"

Unsure of how to answer his loaded question she took a long, hard look at him before she opened her mouth.

"You didn't call me the other day. I've been wondering how you've been, you know… after the other night," she answered him.

The air was thick between them, both paralyzed by the fear of the other.

"I know. I just needed some time," he cleared his throat before continuing "some time to get my thoughts together. I'm sorry about the other night. You were right, we shouldn't have done that."

A little taken aback by his response but hoping he wouldn't catch it she replied "I'm sorry too. I didn't mean for it to get so out of hand. I didn't mean it."

"Didn't mean what?" Fitz questioned.

"When I said we shouldn't have done that… I mean we probably shouldn't have, but there was no point in saying it, the deed was done," she said.

Not sure what to make of her response, Fitz took a sip of his water, hoping she'd continue.

She decided to just come out with it, tired of walking on eggshells inside her own home.

"What are we gonna do Fitz? Where do we go from here?"

"You tell me," Fitz said.

"I can't tell you Fitz, I don't know what you're feeling. You haven't said much. Do you really regret the other night?" she asked.

"I didn't say I regretted it. I just said you were probably right. What's done is done, Liv," he answered.

"Yeah, no point in dwelling on it now. What do you want Fitz? You can't write me those flowery messages, you can't fuck me, argue with me, and then have nothing to say to me today," she replied, her tone a tad elevated.

If her words rattled him, he didn't show it.

"Liv, I don't know. What do you want?" he asked in return, exasperatedly. Unwilling to make a move without knowing what she wanted, Fitz felt as if he was playing chess.

"Fitz, I'm asking YOU. What you want can't be dependent on what I want. What's wrong with you today? Who are you right now?" she retorted.

She was puzzled by the act of self-preservation he was putting on now. Before, when she noted he sat far away from her she wondered if he was being defensive, but now she was certain she'd terrified him into submission. This was not the same man who wrote her all those beautiful apologies, this certainly wasn't the same virile man she'd encountered at Andrew's party. Not the man who liked to fight with her tooth and nail.

"Does it matter what I want?" he asked in a defeated tone.

"Of course it does, you fucking idiot!"

He wanted to be quick on his feet, to give back the same energy in her question and tell her it certainly didn't feel like what he wanted was of importance the last time they saw one another, but hoping to diffuse the situation he chose to be honest instead, opting to give her the benefit of the doubt.

"I wanna take it slow," he simply replied.

"Slow? What is slow?" she asked, surprised by his answer.

"I just can't afford to jump in headfirst. We always seem to get it wrong. You were right, you know? We've never been in a relationship. Not a real one anyway… and now that could be within the realm of possibilities for us. That I'm single, and that you're single. That we can't seem to quit one another. But I just want to err on the side of caution, I don't want to keep having the same conversation. The same arguments. I need to know what you want. I mean, do you even want me Liv? It'll be a lot of hard work for us, to adapt to normal. What even is normal? To adapt to our normal. New normal, no need for sneaking around, a possibility of real commitment. I'm too old for this shit," he answered.

He really was exhausted. She could see it, his eyes were devoid of light. She wanted to run to him, to kiss him senseless, make him forget all the hurt they'd caused one another, but she held back for the sake of "slow," whatever that meant.

"Ok. I do want you Fitz. I know I struggle showing my emotions, but believe it or not you know me better than anyone," she said in her kindest tone, softening up while hoping he would too.

A little taken aback by that Fitz simply replied "Let's just take it day by day. No pressure, no obligations, just working through our shit. It won't be perfect, but you have to open up Liv. If you're mad, if I do something to make you angry, if you're having a shitty day… I wanna know about it. Just wanna share time with you and we'll see how it goes. And no sex, that's just going to cloud our judgment. I don't want a repeat of the park," he answered.

"No sex?" she asked.

"That's what you got out of all I just said?!"

"No! Not at all, but it's weird coming from you!" she quickly replied.

"Well, I just don't wanna fuck it up. If we do what we've always done then it'll be a waste of our time, and I don't have any more time to waste. I think I've paid my dues on wasted time," he answered.

"Ok fine, you've got a point," she agreed.

"Ok," he said.

"So, what happens next?" She sure had a lot of questions for him tonight. It was both odd and refreshing for him, this role reversal of him having his walls up while she was trying to break through. He didn't mean to be difficult, but he was tired of the emotional rollercoaster. They'd been apart for long enough, there was no point in repeating the behaviors of the past.

"Um, we go on an official first date… you know, like normal people do?" he said almost timidly.

"Sure, but I'm letting you know it's gonna take a lot to woo me," Liv joked.

"When have you known me to turn down a challenge?" he asked with a smirk.

There it was, the banter they'd missed, slowly but surely putting them both at ease.

Fitz got up from the velvet armchair, gearing up to leave.

"I have an early morning tomorrow so I have to go. Promised the boys we'd go on a little adventure," he told her.

"Oh, ok," she said as she followed him towards her front door. She'd be lying if she said she didn't want him to stay, and hugging him goodbye at her door was proving a bit difficult without escalating the situation, but she felt at peace with where they'd left things. She was both relieved and oddly recharged with how they'd talked. Awkward at first, even distant, but now she was renewed by the promise of a possible new beginning.

Once he'd left, Liv cleaned up their cups and headed to bed. Fitz drove home feeling the kind peace that had evaded him for so long. For the first time in a very long time he felt as if his purpose had been renewed, as if he hadn't made a lethal mistake that he'd have to pay for forever. By the time he got home and showered he was practically dead to the world, falling asleep emotionally spent.

Olivia, on the other hand, was feeling restless. A thousand thoughts were running through her head all at once. She didn't want to think of it as feeling giddy, but what other word was suitable for how she was feeling? She'd worked hard to overcome her own animosity, she'd offered an olive branch, opting to see what life would be like if she stopped being so reactive and got out of her own way. Oddly enough it was relieving to say the least. She kept replaying their conversation on a loop in her head, wanting to occasionally laugh at his no sex rule. She knew he'd give in eventually, she'd make sure of it. Before she knew it, an hour had passed – she was wide awake, energy coursing through her body.

She thought back to when they'd last had sex, and although she had expressed immediate regret she knew she wouldn't have wanted it any other way. She remembered the way he made her fall apart in his arms, how she'd unbuttoned his shirt and used his shoulders for leverage as she rode him. How he'd been completely spent by the time she got done with him. Sex came easy for them, unspoken communication proved to be much more effective when they couldn't find the words to say.

Frustration coupled with thinking about Fitz, specifically about having sex with Fitz, had made her horny. She wished she could tempt him into coming back to her house, she figured she could get her way if she tried hard enough, but in the spirit of respecting his wishes she knew she'd have to take matters into her own hands.

She slowly pulled her shirt over her head as she reminisced about their last time together. She began by playing with her nipples that hardened once exposed to the cool air, getting wetter by the second. Her left hand stayed teasing her left breast as she reached into her lace panties, her palm met by the landing strip she meticulously groomed. Aching more and more to relieve herself, Liv dipped her hand a little lower and was met with the wetness coating her clit. She rubbed tantalizingly slow circles over it hoping to prolong her arousal, but thinking of Fitz only seemed to be speeding matters up, and before she knew it she was teasing her entrance with her index and middle fingers.

Wanting to cum and call it a night, Liv slipped off her panties completely down her legs and reached over to her nightstand to grab her trusty vibrator. She spread her legs as she turned it on, the quiet buzz adding a new layer of sound in her room. Opting to start out easy, she slowly rubbed the tip of the vibrator over her clit causing her to shudder in pleasure. Letting out a soft moan Liv stretched her opening with her vibrator, instantly becoming greedy for more. As she found her rhythm, pumping in and out, increasing the speed, she thought of how she could put on a show like this for Fitz. He'd break his no sex rule for sure. Getting off on the idea of him watching her pleasure herself nearly sent her over the edge, and before she knew it with a few more pumps she was cumming, her back arching off her mattress matching her uneven breathing. Now she was finally exhausted, and after cleaning up she finally dozed off. Tomorrow would be another day.


End file.
